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Government should spend more money on children sport activities and art in schools rather than on a professional sport activities and artistic performancesTo what extent do u agree or disagree? v.2

Government should spend more money on children sport activities and art in schools rather than on a professional sport activities and artistic performances v. 2
It is thought by some that instead of supporting professional sporting activities and arts, the government should use its funds to support school children in sports. In my opinion, school children should receive this financial support because it helps them to build their athletic skills and encourages them to pursue a career in sports. To begin, youngsters in school should be given financial aid over already established athletes because it will enable them to hone their inherent athletic abilities. With the proper training and guidance, these young ones could become highly skilled sportsmen or sportswomen in the future. To illustrate, if the government builds well-equipped sporting arenas such as badminton, volleyball and basketball courts in schools, a good number of pupils will be encouraged to make use of these facilities to develop their skills in these sports. In contrast, if the government funds professional sports and the arts instead, the potential in these children will be left untapped. Another reason why sporting activities in schools should be prioritized is that it encourages children to build a career in sports. A number of these children may be passionate about becoming future athletes. However, this drive may fizzle out if it is not cultivated. In addition, some parents do not see a career in sports as lucrative, but if the government invests in it, they would be more willing to allow their children seek future career prospects in sports. To conclude, it is my firm belief that the government ought to give priority to allocating funds to sporting events for children in schools instead of sports and arts on a professional level. Doing this would motivate them to become skilled athletes in the future The sentences in bold seem to be repetitive. I think you should reword it to give a clearer view point.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that
instead
of supporting professional sporting activities and arts, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
its funds to support
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should receive this financial support
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to build their athletic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and encourages them to pursue a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
in sports.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
, youngsters in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
financial aid over already established athletes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will enable them to hone their inherent athletic abilities. With the proper training and guidance, these young ones could become
highly
skilled sportsmen or sportswomen in the future. To illustrate, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
builds well-equipped sporting arenas such as badminton, volleyball and basketball courts in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
number of pupils will
be encouraged
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of these facilities to develop their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
In contrast
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
funds professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and the arts
instead
, the potential in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
untapped.

Another reason why sporting activities in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should
be prioritized
is that it encourages
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to build a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. A number of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may be passionate about becoming future athletes.
However
, this drive may fizzle out if it is not cultivated.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parents do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
as lucrative,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
invests in it, they would be more willing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
seek future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
prospects in sports.

To conclude
, it is my firm belief that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
ought to give priority to allocating funds to sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and arts on a professional level. Doing this would motivate them to become skilled athletes in the
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
future


The sentences in bold seem to be repetitive. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
you should reword it to give a clearer view point.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Government should spend more money on children sport activities and art in schools rather than on a professional sport activities and artistic performances v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
302 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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