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Globalization has many positive effects on world's economy but the negative effects cannot be forgotten. What is your point of view about this topic? v.1

Globalization has many positive effects on world's economy but the negative effects cannot be forgotten. What is your point of view about this topic? v. 1
It is a trend in these days that people are frequently using their cell phones and internet connection in contacting the other individuals, which is evident because of the latest technological advancement in the society today. In my opinion, I believe that the benefits of these outweighed the drawbacks. One main negative consequence of this development is that people's interaction with each other is lessened. They lack face - to - face connection, which results to poor social relationship. People prefer to have conversations to happened by making use of the popular mobile applications such as Facebook Messenger, WhattsUp, or Instagram to be in touch. As a result, the relationship with everyone can be affected and it can hinder for both individuals to have a close relationship. On the other hand, there are several important advantages of this as well. The internet and mobile phones aid in linking people from their love ones or friends that lived in far places. Nowadays, the gadgets that a person has the ability to create immediate form of communication if the other person they want to have a conversation with has the same application such as Skype. Through this innovation, it would be simple for them to know the current happenings or events in each other life. For example, OFW (Overseas Filipino Workers) parents can now have daily video calls with their family members despite the distance that they have for each other. Another positive effect of these, is through this advancement the ability to meet new people is possible and to know more about their culture. Latest devices and wifi connection can give us a peek of the other people's culture and way of living through the photos they post and share in their social media accounts. For instance, in Instagram photo sections, the user can view various photographs depending on the category they click and want to look at. Hence, such improvement creates another window to unknown places. In conclusion, although the development of this transformation is lacking in actual interaction, cell phones and the internet paved way in strengthening the bond that a person has with his loved ones and friends, as well as it bridged other people from one another. Thus, this development is an advantage in the society.
It is a trend in these days that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
frequently
using their cell phones and internet connection in contacting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
individuals, which is evident
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the latest technological advancement in the society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. In my opinion, I believe that the benefits of these outweighed the drawbacks.

One main
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequence of this development is that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's interaction with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
is lessened
. They lack face
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
to
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
face connection, which results to poor social relationship.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
prefer to have conversations to happened by making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of the popular mobile applications such as Facebook Messenger,
Possible spelling mistake found.
WhattsUp
, or Instagram to be in touch.
As a result
, the relationship with everyone can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
and it can hinder for both individuals to have a close relationship.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, there are several
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
advantages of this
as well
. The internet and mobile phones aid in linking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
or friends that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
in far places. Nowadays, the gadgets that a person has the ability to create immediate form of communication if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
person they want to have a conversation with has the same application such as Skype. Through this innovation, it would be simple for them to know the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
happenings or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
in each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
life.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
OFW
(Overseas Filipino Workers) parents can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
have daily video calls with their family members despite the distance that they have for each other.

Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect of these, is through this advancement the ability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
possible and to know more about their culture.
A determiner is probably missing here: "the Latest".
Latest
devices and
Did you mean "Wi-Fi"? (This is the officially approved term by the Wi-Fi Alliance.)
wifi
connection can give us a peek of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's culture and way of living through the photos they post and share in their social media accounts.
For instance
, in Instagram photo sections, the user can view various photographs depending on the category they click and want to look at.
Hence
, such improvement creates another window to unknown places.

In conclusion
, although the development of this transformation is lacking in actual interaction, cell phones and the internet paved way in strengthening the bond that a person has with his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
and friends,
as well
as it bridged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from one another.
Thus
, this development is an advantage in the society.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Globalization has many positive effects on world's economy but the negative effects cannot be forgotten. What is your point of view about this topic? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
379 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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