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Getting a job in which you work with other people are better than getting a job in which you work alone. v.1

Getting a job in which you work with other people are better than getting a job in which you work alone. v. 1
People go through different phases of life, such as childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. And every phase has its own experience. While some people believe that the teenage phase is the most joyful, others argue that despite the greater duties adulthood is more enjoyable. I tend to agree with the former argument. On the one hand, besides, many responsibilities on one's shoulders, adulthood is the best period. This is because of the independence earned as a result of past practical knowledge and experiences. As a result, people are absolutely free to take decisions of their lives. For example, they don't need anyone's permission, if they want to leave their job and start a business. In contrast, in teenage, people are dependent on their elders to take their life decisions. On the other hand, I would argue that teenage life is more enjoyable. Due to less to none commitments, energy and motivation level of teenagers towards life is at its peak. This makes them fearless. For example, the energy and determination of Mark Zukerberg convinced him to drop out from Harvard University and build a social network platform "Facebook" which is worth billions of dollars today. In contrast, an adult with several responsibilities of his/her shoulders would think many times before leaving his job to start his own company. In conclusion, in spite of the freedom to take decisions in adult life, we must take into consideration the energy and fearlessness of teenage life. In my view, I believe that people find adolescence much more joyful than adulthood.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
go through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
phases of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, such as childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. And every phase has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
experience. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that the teenage phase is the most joyful, others argue that despite the greater
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "duties'" or "duty's"?
duties
adulthood is more enjoyable. I tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the former argument.

On the one hand,
besides
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
responsibilities on one's shoulders, adulthood is the best period. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the independence earned
as a result
of past practical knowledge and experiences.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
absolutely
free to take decisions of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
For example
, they don't need anyone's permission, if they want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their job and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a business.
In contrast
, in teenage,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are dependent on their elders to take their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
decisions.

On the other hand
, I would argue that teenage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is more enjoyable. Due
Did you mean "too less to"?
to less to
none commitments, energy and motivation level of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is at its peak. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them fearless.
For example
, the energy and determination of Mark
Possible spelling mistake found.
Zukerberg
convinced him to drop out from Harvard University and build a social network platform
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Facebook
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
which is worth billions of dollars
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.
In contrast
, an adult with several responsibilities of his/her shoulders would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
times
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
leaving his job to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
the freedom to take decisions in adult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
take into consideration the energy and fearlessness of teenage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
my view, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
find adolescence much more joyful than adulthood.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Getting a job in which you work with other people are better than getting a job in which you work alone. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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