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Fossil fuels are the main source of energy in many countries. However, in some countries, alternative sources of energy are encouraged. Do you think this is positive or negative development? v.2

Fossil fuels are the main source of energy in many countries. However, in some countries, alternative sources of energy are encouraged. Do you think this is positive or negative development? v. 2
The need of Fossil Fuel is growing at an alarming rate as the population is increasing. Furthermore, fossil fuels are affecting our environment and making unfit to live. The excess use of these fossil fuels is already resulting in depletion of ozone is resulting to skin related diseases. To conquer over all these problems, the government should develop alternative sources of energy. First and foremost, the Government should lighten the people about the harmful effect of fossil fuel. So, they should reduce their use where they can. As in some countries, alternatives are not developed, at least they can use it less. Secondly, the residue of the gases is very harmful to us or even for earth. In addition to this this, it can give birth to severe diseases. As we keep continue on using these than ozone gas will be completely depleted and will destroy the human beings. So, the Government should develop the alternative of energy that clear all these issues. Beside this, it will clear our environment and as the shortage of fossil fuel is increasing, the new invention will seek out this problem. But, the technology should me feasible and accessible to every person. It should not be more costly than only rich people will enjoy this sources and problem will not be overcome. To recapitulate, the effect of fossil fuel to our environment is can be seen with the rise of global warming. So, if alternative solution is developed that rid of these problems then surely, it is a positive development.
The need of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Fossil
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Fuel
is growing at an alarming rate as the population is increasing.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fossil
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fuels
are affecting our environment and making unfit to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
. The excess
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fossil
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fuels
is already resulting in depletion of ozone is resulting to skin related diseases. To conquer over all these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should develop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alternative
sources of energy.

First
and foremost, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
should lighten the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
about the harmful effect of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fossil
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fuel
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
where they can. As in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alternatives
are not developed, at least they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it less.
Secondly
, the residue of the gases is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
harmful to us or even for earth.
In addition
to
Possible typo: you repeated a word
this this
, it can give birth to severe diseases. As we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
continue on using these than ozone gas will be completely depleted and will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroy
the human beings.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
should develop the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alternative
of energy that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
all these issues.

Beside this, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
our environment and as the shortage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fossil
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fuel
is increasing, the new invention will seek out this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, the technology should me feasible and accessible to every person. It should not be more costly than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
rich
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will enjoy
Did you mean "these"?
this
sources and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
will not
be overcome
.

To recapitulate, the effect of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fossil
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fuel
to our environment is can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
with the rise of global warming.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
alternative
solution
is developed
that rid of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
then
surely
, it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Fossil fuels are the main source of energy in many countries. However, in some countries, alternative sources of energy are encouraged. Do you think this is positive or negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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