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For the students (ages 5-10), It is better to take a break for every one hour of instruction or let them to focus on lessons for a long period of time? v.2

For the students (ages 5-10), It is better to take a break for every one hour of instruction or let them to focus on lessons for a long period of time? v. 2
Throughout the history, schools have played a key role in children’s life. The controversial question which arises here is that it is better to allow children a break every one hour of class or make them focus for longer period of time. I believe that a short break after one hour teaching is indispensable for children. In what follows, I will elaborate on my perspective. The most remarkable point to be mentioned is that playing affect the juvenier' s life profoundly because during play children learn about way of life and how to communicate with their peers, so a break every one hour provides them with a briliant future. My sister expereince is a compelling example for this. She has a thirteen-year-old daughter who has a lot of problems for speaking. When she was a elementry school student, her mother had argument with her and had forced her to study every moment of break time. Had my sister not have done this cruelsome thing, her daughter has not such a terrible obstacles. Another equally important reason is that the longer period of time the teachers teach, the less concentration the pupils have. According to the fact that the brain has a certain level of ability to focus on something, the students attention decrease within long hours and they become mentally exhausted and they are not able to percieve the concepts the teacher is speaking about. A survey conducted in our country reveals that the brain ability of focusing have a direct relationship with the age and it increas by human aging and it is weaker for children than adults. In conclusion, it is detrimantal for children to make them stay in classroom and listen to the teacher teaching. It is suggested that every school take it into consideration that not only playing have as much advantages as learning various lessons for children, but also their attention weakens after long hour.
Throughout the history, schools have played a key role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
life. The controversial question which arises here is that it is better to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
break
every one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hour
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them focus for longer period of time. I believe that a short
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
break
after one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hour
teaching is indispensable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. In what follows, I will elaborate on my perspective.

The most remarkable point to
be mentioned
is that playing affect the
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juvenier&
#039; s life
profoundly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
during play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learn about way of life and how to communicate with their peers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
break
every one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hour
provides them with a
Possible spelling mistake found.
briliant
future. My sister
Possible spelling mistake found.
expereince
is a compelling example for this. She has a thirteen-year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
daughter who has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
problems for speaking. When she was
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
Possible spelling mistake found.
elementry
school student, her mother had argument with her and had forced her to study every moment of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
break
time. Had my sister not have done this
Possible spelling mistake found.
cruelsome
thing, her daughter has not such a terrible
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "obstacle"?
obstacles
.

Another
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reason is that the longer period of time the teachers teach, the less concentration the pupils have. According to the fact that the brain has a certain level of ability to focus on something, the
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "students'" or "student's"?
students
attention decrease within long
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
hours and
they become mentally
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
exhausted and
they are not able to
Possible spelling mistake found.
percieve
the concepts the teacher is speaking about. A survey conducted in our country reveals that the brain ability of focusing have a direct relationship with the age and it
Possible spelling mistake found.
increas
by human aging and it is weaker for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
than adults.

In conclusion
, it is
Possible spelling mistake found.
detrimantal
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them stay in classroom and listen to the teacher teaching. It
is suggested
that every school take it into consideration that not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
playing have as
Use "many" with countable nouns.
much
advantages as learning various lessons for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
their attention weakens after long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hour
.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
14Mistakes

IELTS essay For the students (ages 5-10), It is better to take a break for every one hour of instruction or let them to focus on lessons for a long period of time? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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