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For some people, consumer goods become the most important thing in life. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantage v.1

For some people, consumer goods become the most important thing in life. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantage v. 1
In an era of digitization along with high technological developments, nowadays some people believe that everything can be done or achieved with the help of internet. People say that as cyberspace have all the information about culture and history, museums are not required. At some extent it looks convincing, but it is not. People supporting this have reasons, but they are not credible enough. I disagree with this point of view and My opinion is explained further. First of all, instead of having all the facts and information, cyberspace can only show you. To nurture your love for history and culture you have to go to the museums. For instance, consider you learned all the rules, methods as well as instructions for driving. Now if you try your hand on a vehicle, you will most probably crash it. Despite of having all the knowledge, the accident happened. This shows that one cannot learn anything until he/she experiences it. People may feel that after reading on the digital platforms they learned all the facts about world war II, but it is totally a different experience when you look at the real soldier costume, statues plus photos, real tanks and guns of that time. In contrast, the information provided on the digital platform is easy to access. In addition, they are also comparatively cheaper and less time consuming. It takes a lot of planning as well as management to visit museums. While it takes only a minute or two to just search for the topic on the cyberspace and read the facts. In addition, there are rules we have to follow at the museums, whereas having a digital platform is a bliss as there are no rules. Moreover, it does not have holidays so we can read whenever we want as per our convenience. In conclusion, considering both the points, I would say it does not matter if internet provides all the knowledge, visiting museums is always a thrilled and wonderful experience. Since, people have said museums are not needed anymore, I think they should visit it once and give a thought to their opinion one more time.
In an era of digitization along with high technological developments, nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that everything can
be done
or achieved with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of internet.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
say that as cyberspace have all the information about culture and history,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
are not required. At
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent it looks convincing,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is not.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
supporting
The verb 'have' is plural. Did you mean: "this has"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
this have
reasons,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they are not credible
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
. I disagree with this point of view and My opinion is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
further
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
instead
of having all the facts and information, cyberspace can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
you. To nurture your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
for history and culture you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
go to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
.
For instance
, consider you learned all the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
, methods
as well
as instructions for driving.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
if you try your hand on a vehicle, you will most
probably
crash it.
Did you mean "Despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
Despite of
having all the knowledge, the accident happened. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that one cannot learn anything until he/she experiences it.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
may feel that after reading on the digital platforms they learned all the facts about
Capitalize specific historic events, episodes, and eras.
world war II
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is
totally
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
experience when you look at the real soldier costume, statues plus photos, real tanks and guns of that time.

In contrast
, the information provided on the digital platform is easy to access.
In addition
, they are
also
comparatively
cheaper and less
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
time consuming
. It takes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
planning
as well
as management to visit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
. While it takes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a minute or two to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
search for the topic on the cyberspace and read the facts.
In addition
, there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
follow at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
, whereas having a digital platform is a bliss as there are no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
.
Moreover
, it does not have holidays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
we can read whenever we want as per our convenience.

In conclusion
, considering both the points, I would say it does not matter if internet provides all the knowledge, visiting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
is always a thrilled and wonderful experience. Since,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have said
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
are not needed anymore, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
they should visit it once and give a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
to their opinion one more time.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay For some people, consumer goods become the most important thing in life. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantage v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
356 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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