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Film stars and music celebrities may earn a great deal of money and live in luxurious surroundings, but many of them lead unhappy lives. Do you agree? v.3

Film stars and music celebrities may earn a great deal of money and live in luxurious surroundings, but many of them lead unhappy lives. Do you agree? v. 3
Nowadays, with all of the development of social networks people are seeking for attention, fame, money. Young people all over the world are looking for validation on Instagram, Twitter and other social networks. A lot of people are looking at the film stars and music celebrities with the envy, because we tend to think that being famous and popular equals being happy. It is true that celebrities are generally richer than most of the people, they earn a very good income from acting and singing. In addition, they get invited to promote some products in advertisings of huge companies and also get paid for it. In fact, most of celebrities can afford luxury houses, fancy cars and designer clothing. Moreover, when people are famous there are more opportunities for them and if they want to achieve something it is way easier then for the others. For example, Jessica Alba has created her own brand of cosmetics and household chemicals called "The Honest company" and she got a place on the Forbes list. Another example is Angelina Jolie, she got famous for her acting but when she decided to produce her own movie, people got super excited and she had enough attention from the media to promote her movie properly. On the other hand, there are plenty of disadvantages in being famous. Celebrities often feel unsafe due to the lack of privacy. Paparazzi and fans are always trying to catch them to take pictures, random people are getting involved in celebrities lives. For instance, actors or singers can't simply go shopping without security guards, or enjoy their vacation with their loved ones. This is the price they pay for being famous, after they become one they can say "goodbye" to the simple lifestyle and of course it can be overwhelming. In conclusion, I would say that there are advantages and disadvantages in being famous. Some people may need validation to be happy and some don't. In my opinion, there are plenty other ways to be happy and successful without being a celebrity, because "happiness" is something unique for everyone.
Nowadays, with
Consider using "all the".
all of the
development of social networks
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are seeking for attention, fame, money. Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
all over the world are looking for validation on Instagram, Twitter and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
social networks.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
A lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are looking at the film stars and music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
with the envy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
we tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
and popular equals being happy.

It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are
generally
richer than most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, they earn a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
income from acting and singing.
In addition
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
invited to promote
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
products in
Possible spelling mistake found.
advertisings
of huge
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
paid for it. In fact, most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
can afford luxury
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
, fancy cars and designer clothing.
Moreover
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
there are more opportunities for them and if they want to achieve something it is way
Did you mean "easier than"?
easier then
for the others.
For example
, Jessica Alba has created her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
brand of cosmetics and household chemicals called
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
The Honest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
and she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a place on the Forbes list. Another example is Angelina Jolie, she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
for her acting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
when she decided to produce her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
movie,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
super
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
excited and
she had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
attention from the media to promote her movie
properly
.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of disadvantages in being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Celebrities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
feel unsafe due to the lack of privacy. Paparazzi and fans are always trying to catch them to take pictures, random
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are getting involved in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
For instance
, actors or singers can't
simply
go shopping without security guards, or enjoy their vacation with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones. This is the price they pay for being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
, after they become one they can say
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
goodbye
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
to the simple lifestyle and
of course
it can be overwhelming.

In conclusion
, I would say that there are advantages and disadvantages in being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may need validation to be happy and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
don't. In my opinion, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
ways to be happy and successful without being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
happiness
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
is something unique for everyone.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
11Mistakes

IELTS essay Film stars and music celebrities may earn a great deal of money and live in luxurious surroundings, but many of them lead unhappy lives. Do you agree? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
348 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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