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Few countries think that people at the age greater than 30 can do things like vote for country, marriage, getting driving license etc… while most of the country oppose. What do you think? v.1

Few countries think that people at the age greater than 30 can do things like vote for country, marriage, getting driving license etc… while most of the country oppose. What do you think? v. 1
Most of the countries think that people should do matured things like voting, marriage, getting driving license etc. At 30. Whereas, few countries think, a little younger would be better. I totally agree with the way that few countries think. When people are allowed to do these matured things before 30, they are in a situation to get into the world without the help of their parents. These experiences make them matured in their ideas and thoughts. This also gives knowledge to select their own career, life partner, etc. They become smart enough to survive in society, tackling all the odds to achieve beyond boundaries. Allowing them to do these things, make them more responsible very early. For instance a 19 year old person is allowed to vote, he will definitely know the current political situation of his country. So having knowledge on these things, he would do the better things a citizen could contribute to the country’s development. Many countries think that people may go astray, if they are allowed to do these things before 30. But the connotations of it would be they won’t be ready to face challenges on their own, unable to make right decisions in critical situations. And finally, when they regret for their mistakes, they won’t be able to solve it. Because he may not be younger to correct it. If you ask me? People should make their own decisions from 18 not later at 30. This decision making happens only when they are allowed to do these matured things when they are young and not exactly at 30. Considering the detrimental effects of doing matured things at 30 I think the way that the few countries think was right (I. e. , ) doing these things before 30.
Most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
matured
things like voting, marriage, getting driving license etc. At 30. Whereas, few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
younger would be better. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the way that few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
.

When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
allowed
to do these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
matured
things
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
30, they are in a situation to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into the world without the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of their parents. These experiences
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
matured
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and thoughts. This
also
gives knowledge to select their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
career, life partner, etc. They become smart
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to survive in society, tackling all the odds to achieve beyond boundaries.

Allowing them to do these things,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
them more responsible
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
early.
For instance
a 19 year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
person is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
allowed
to vote, he will definitely know the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
political situation of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
having knowledge on these things, he would do the better things a citizen could contribute to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
development.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may go astray, if they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
allowed
to do these things
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
30.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the connotations of it would be they won’t be ready to face challenges on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
, unable to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
right decisions in critical situations. And
finally
, when they regret for their mistakes, they won’t be able to solve it.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
he may not be younger to correct it.

If you ask me?
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
decisions from 18 not later at 30. This
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
decision making
happens
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
when they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
allowed
to do these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
matured
things when they are young and not exactly at 30. Considering the detrimental effects of doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
matured
things at 30 I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
the way that the few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
was right (
There should be no space here: "i.e.".
I. e.
Loose punctuation mark.
,
Don't put a space before the closing parenthesis
)
doing these things
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
30.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Few countries think that people at the age greater than 30 can do things like vote for country, marriage, getting driving license etc… while most of the country oppose. What do you think? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
295 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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