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Extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view? v.14

Extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned. with this view? v. 14
In recent years, a number of casualties have been caused by extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing. Some people believe that those dangerous sports should be strictly prohibited. However, I strongly disagree with this proposition in the sense that these sports are too dangerous, and therefore I believe that they should not be banned. First of all, so-called extreme sports are not as dangerous as many people think. All sports involve some elements of risk, and there must be clear restrictions or regulations that should be followed. For instance, you have to sign up for some lessons to learn the safety precautions or rules before you want to try skydiving. Moreover, you will not be allowed to fly solo and must be accompanied by experienced professions if you are a beginner. Therefore, extreme sports are actually safe as long as you follow the instructions and be careful. Holding extreme sports can also stimulate the economy of a country. It creates more job opportunities for those sports athletes such as sky diving trainers or skiing professions, so this allows more money flowing in the business market. Moreover, although those extreme sports are relatively more expensive than the other sports, there are many people who want to try those fierce experiences every year. As a result, extreme sports indirectly stimulate the economy and allow the government to receive more taxes from taxpayers. Having discussed that extreme sports are not really dangerous and it stimulates the economy, I firmly believe that they should not be prohibited. This is especially true in developing countries as they have to strengthen their economic positions.
In recent years, a number of casualties have
been caused
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
such as
Did you mean "skydiving"?
sky diving
and skiing.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should be
strictly
prohibited.
However
, I
strongly
disagree with this proposition in the sense that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
, and
therefore
I believe that they should not
be banned
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
-called
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are not as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
. All
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
involve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
elements of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
, and there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
restrictions or regulations that should
be followed
.
For instance
, you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
up for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
lessons to learn the safety precautions or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
you want to try skydiving.
Moreover
, you will not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
fly
solo and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be accompanied
by experienced professions if you are a beginner.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are actually safe as long as you follow the instructions and be careful.

Holding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
can
also
stimulate the economy of a country. It creates more job opportunities for those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
athletes such as
Did you mean "skydiving"?
sky diving
trainers or skiing professions,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
more money flowing in the business market.
Moreover
, although those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are
relatively
more expensive than the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who want to try those fierce experiences every year.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
indirectly
stimulate the economy and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to receive more taxes from taxpayers.

Having discussed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are not
really
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
and it stimulates the economy, I
firmly
believe that they should not
be prohibited
. This is
especially
true in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
as they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
strengthen their economic positions.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned. with this view? v. 14

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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