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Explain how the two examples discussed by the professor illustrate differences in the ways people explain behavior. v.1

Explain how the two examples discussed by the professor illustrate differences in the ways people explain behavior. v. 1
There is a view that many people like to celebrate on their different occasions. While some of them believe that it is only considered as a waste of money, others believe that this view is essential among individuals and the society. In my opinion, I believe that the amount spent on these occasions should be moderate. To begin with, the vast majority of people believe that it is unnecessary to spend a lot on organizing parties. This is because it is better to spend this big amount of money on other things that could be valuable than spending on an occasion which is only performed for four or five hours. For instance, it will be more convenient to purchase a living room or even a car than paying a lot on wedding party. As a result, if a couple may start their life, spending a lot on such occasions, they will often face some financial problems. Having said that, performing celebrations may be vital up to a point as it reflects a person’s luxurious lifestyle. In other words, people in the gulf countries usually take these celebrations as a crucial role in showing how wealthy an individual is. Moreover, they often interfere in every single aspect to show how lavish they are, and this is can be shown in some gold-plated giveaways that they offer to their guests as a thank you gift for being at the celebration. In conclusion, while some people believe that it is important to spend a lot on a ceremony, I believe that it is way better to pay these amounts of money on other things that an individual may be benefited from.
There is a view that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like to celebrate on their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
occasions
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
considered as a waste of money, others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that this view is essential among individuals and the society. In my opinion, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that the amount spent on these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
occasions
should be moderate.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the vast majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that it is unnecessary to spend a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
on organizing parties. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is better to spend this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
amount of money on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
things that could be valuable than spending on an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
occasion
which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
performed for four or five hours.
For instance
, it will be more convenient to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
a living room or even a car than paying a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
on wedding party.
As a result
, if a couple may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their life, spending a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
on such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
occasions
, they will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
financial problems.

Having said that, performing celebrations may be vital up to a point as it reflects a person’s luxurious lifestyle. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the gulf countries
usually
take these celebrations as a crucial role in showing how wealthy an individual is.
Moreover
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
interfere in every single aspect to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
how lavish they are, and this is can
be shown
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
gold-plated giveaways that they offer to their guests as a thank you gift for being at the celebration.

In conclusion
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to spend a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
on a ceremony, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that it is way better to pay these amounts of money on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
things that an individual may
be benefited
from.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Explain how the two examples discussed by the professor illustrate differences in the ways people explain behavior. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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