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Experts say older people were happier and healteir in the past because they did more excercise and spent more time with family and friends, whereas many now suffer from loneliness and health problems. What are the causes of this and what are some solutions? v.1

Experts say older people were happier and healteir in the past because they did more excercise and spent more time with family and friends, whereas many now suffer from loneliness and health problems. What are the causes of this and what are some solutions? v. 1
Researchers reported that aged individuals lived a better life in the past as they were physically active and spent major time to socialise, while some of the faces problems such as isolation and unhealthy. In this essay, I will examine the causes of these problems and discuss some possible remedies. The two major causes of these problems are insufficient knowledge of modern technology and laziness of them. Nowadays the majority of people use social media to socialize with friends and families, while people who are over 60 do not know how to use this media. Due to this reason, they are unable to be with their families. Moreover, most of these persons lead to sedentary life without a nutritious diet. As a consequence, they are suffering from serious health issues, such as obesity and heart disease. For example, research conducted by the Health Department of India reported that more than 60% of older people have cardiac disease because of the leading inactive lifestyle and consuming fatty food. Thus, more use of the Internet and laziness of older people make them alone and ill. Some possible solution for these situations is raising awareness about the use of technology and by subsidizing the fitness centers. By providing information about technology's negative effect on older people to youth, we can make aged people happier. For instance, if grandchild knows that his grandparents suffer from loneliness, most of them will certainly spend their leisure with grandparents. Also, subsidizing gyms and other sports activities, the government could help the age group above 60. To exemplify this, if people gain financial help from state governments in fitness clubs, most of them join these clubs. So, providing subsidies by state and raising awareness in young people might be useful for older. To conclude, Three decades ago people were used to a more joyful life and socialize, but because of the invention and inactive lifestyle, many of them are alone or suffer from critical diseases. However, this problem could be solved with funding in fitness centers and informing young about this.
Researchers reported that aged individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
a better life in the past as they were
physically
active and spent major time to
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialise' is British English.
socialise
, while
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
faces
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
such as isolation and unhealthy. In this essay, I will examine the causes of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
and discuss
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
possible remedies.

The two major causes of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
are insufficient knowledge of modern technology and laziness of them. Nowadays the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
social media to
Do not mix variants of the same word ('socialize' and 'socialise') within a single text.
socialize
with friends and families, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are over 60 do not know how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
Did you mean "these"?
this
media. Due to this reason, they are unable to be with their families.
Moreover
, most of these persons lead to sedentary life without a nutritious diet. As a consequence, they are suffering from serious health issues, such as obesity and heart disease.
For example
, research conducted by the Health Department of India reported that more than 60% of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have cardiac disease
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the leading inactive lifestyle and consuming fatty food.
Thus
, more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of the Internet and laziness of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them alone and ill.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
possible solution for these situations is raising awareness about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of technology and by subsidizing the fitness centers. By providing information about technology's
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to youth, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
happier.
For instance
, if grandchild knows that his grandparents suffer from loneliness, most of them will
certainly
spend their leisure with grandparents.
Also
, subsidizing gyms and other sports activities, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the age group above 60. To exemplify this, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
gain financial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from state
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
in fitness clubs, most of them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
these clubs.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, providing subsidies by state and raising awareness in young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might be useful for older.

To conclude
, Three decades ago
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to a more joyful life and
Do not mix variants of the same word ('socialize' and 'socialise') within a single text.
socialize
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the invention and inactive lifestyle,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them are alone or suffer from critical diseases.
However
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
could
be solved
with funding in fitness centers and informing young about this.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Experts say older people were happier and healteir in the past because they did more excercise and spent more time with family and friends, whereas many now suffer from loneliness and health problems. What are the causes of this and what are some solutions? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
343 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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