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Even though globalization affects the world’s economies in a very positive way, its negative side should not be forgotten. Discuss. v.2

Even though globalization affects the world’s economies in a very positive way, its negative side should not be forgotten. Discuss. v. 2
In our modern society, women are more independent than ever before and they tend to continue working after the marriage and giving a birth to a child. However, while some people believe that women should concentrate on rearing children and houseworks, I personally disagree that idea. To begin with, thanks to the efforts to gain the gender equity that were made for several decades ago, women have more chance to work than in the past. Although I acknowledge that some societies are not mature enough to understand the concept of gender equity and expect females to stay at home after marriage, I agree that husbands must be more supportive and responsible for raising children and domestic chores. Another issue is a lack of understanding from the community. In fact, opponents of women who keep working after giving a birth claim that children need more or less the same amount of attention from their mothers and fathers. The role model is needed for children of both genders. Finally, my strongest argue is that children whose parents work can be more independent than their peers with mothers who take care of them at home. Teenagers, for example, learn how to help their busy parents with chores or taking care of their younger siblings that are the important life skills. In short, not only mothers can be financially independent by working, but children also can learn how to manage housework. Therefore, I do not disagree that women should work less in order to just spend time with their children.
In our modern society,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are more independent than ever
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
before and
they tend to continue working after the marriage and giving a birth to a child.
However
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should concentrate on rearing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
houseworks
, I
personally
disagree that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, thanks to the efforts to gain the gender equity that
were made
for several decades ago,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have more chance to work than in the past. Although I acknowledge that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
societies are not mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to understand the concept of gender equity and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
females to stay at home after marriage, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that husbands
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be more supportive and responsible for raising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and domestic chores.

Another issue is a lack of understanding from the community. In fact, opponents of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
working after giving a birth claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need more or less the same amount of attention from their mothers and fathers. The role model
is needed
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
of both genders.

Finally
, my strongest argue is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
whose parents work can be more independent than their peers with mothers who take care of them at home.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenagers
,
for example
, learn how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their busy parents with chores or taking care of their younger siblings that are the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

In short, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
mothers can be
financially
independent by working,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
also
can learn how to manage housework.
Therefore
, I do not disagree that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should work less in order to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
spend time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Even though globalization affects the world’s economies in a very positive way, its negative side should not be forgotten. Discuss. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
256 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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