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Even more people are spending most of their time at work nowadays, which leaves almost nothing for personal life. Do you think this trend has more advantages o disadvantages for people? v.3

Even more people are spending most of their time at work nowadays, which leaves almost nothing for personal life. Do you think this trend has more advantages o disadvantages for people? v. 3
Time has always had a great value for people because it cannot be replaced by anything else. However, people often choose to invest it in their professional life rather than their personal one. This essay will discuss why this trend has more disadvantages than advantages for people. To begin with, nowadays people are spending more time at work than with their families or friends. This situation has some great disadvantages; firstly, people lose their connection with themselves and close people, secondly, they have no time to enjoy the professional achievements, and last but not least, they develop serious health problems, both psychological and physical. All these drawbacks are strongly interconnected; for instance, if a person spends ten hours on the job, he/she will not have enough time for family, domestic activities and personal hobbies or needs. This situation leads to stress, depression and illnesses like heart disease, diabetes and so on. All in all, too much work can have serious negative effects on people. Conversely, hard work also brings with it some advantages. Many hours of work mean more money which helps to increase the standard of life. Furthermore, a better quality of life brings another advantage: the progress of society. This is strongly connected with the fast evolution of technology, the most important cause of the fact that people are working more than in the past. For example, the mass production in a factory is mostly automatic; however, people are working more extra hours so as to increase their incomes. Even if it looks like a chain of prosperity, in fact, it is a vicious one, due to the sacrifices it requires from people. In conclusion, time is, probably, our most precious asset we can deal with. I consider that spending more time at work has more bad points than benefits in the long term. At the end of the day, we must find the balance between professional and private life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Time
has always had a great value for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it cannot
be replaced
by anything else.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
choose to invest it in their professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
rather
than their personal one. This essay will discuss why this trend has more disadvantages than advantages for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are spending more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
than with their families or friends. This situation has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
great disadvantages;
firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lose their connection with themselves and close
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
secondly
, they have no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to enjoy the professional achievements, and last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, they develop serious health problems, both psychological and physical. All these drawbacks are
strongly
interconnected;
for instance
, if a person spends ten hours on the job, he/she will not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for family, domestic activities and personal hobbies or needs. This situation leads to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, depression and illnesses like heart disease, diabetes and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. All in all, too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
can have serious
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Conversely
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
also
brings with it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
hours of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
mean more money which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to increase the standard of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Furthermore
, a better quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
brings another advantage: the progress of society. This is
strongly
connected with the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
evolution of technology, the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
cause of the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are working more than in the past.
For example
, the mass production in a factory is
mostly
automatic;
however
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are working more extra hours
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
increase their incomes. Even if it looks like a chain of prosperity, in fact, it is a vicious one, due to the sacrifices it requires from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is,
probably
, our most precious asset we can deal with. I consider that spending more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
has more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
points than benefits in the long term. At the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the day, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
find the balance between professional and private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Even more people are spending most of their time at work nowadays, which leaves almost nothing for personal life. Do you think this trend has more advantages o disadvantages for people? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
322 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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