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All over the world, societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. This problem affects both children and adults. What are the reasons for this rise in obesity, How could it be tackled? v.7

All over the world, societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. This problem affects both children and adults. What are the reasons for this rise in obesity, How could it be tackled? v. 7
Around the globe, there are increasing number of people with overweight. There are several reasons for that, but there are also ways we can solve this. In this essay, I will discuss the impact on how electronics have contributed to this problem, at the same time, how the government could improve this situation. There are a few reasons for this, first, in modern technology, we are constantly distracted with electronic appliances like mobile phone, tablet, and laptop. Because of these appliances are easy to reach, convenient and portable, we tend to focus on these gadgets rather than focus on our diets. Take my personal example, there are several days, I had spent the last 5 hours seating in a couch, watching Netflix from my laptop while eating a chocolate bar. In addition to that, as the parents are busy with works, they tend to let their children choose whatever they like to eat. As this small kids are not monitored properly and without exercise, they will follow their parent's seat for long hours and eat more sugary foods. Therefore, it is very devastating to see so many children and adults are making the wrong choice between gadgets and diets. However, there are solutions to tackle this. The government could play a major role here. They could impose high taxes to the unhealthy foodstuffs such as sugary foods and drinks. When this sugary snacks are relatively more expensive than healthy food, people tend to buy more nutrition food like fruits. Because of this, people will store in more of this nutrient rich foods, and during their free time they will eat more of this even they are seated for long hours. Besides that, the government should ban most of the food advertisement that constantly showing fast food is filled with a balanced diet. This advertisement tends to be one sided and the report is not truly reflecting the healthy option to the public. So, if the government could start to stringent these taxes and bans to these foods with less nutrition, this issue will be solved shortly. To conclude, although overweight is a serious issue, there are several steps that the government and individuals can take to reduce this problem. If we are serious to tackle this issue, we can make a difference to reduce the total number of obese among our globe.
Around the globe, there are increasing number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with overweight. There are several reasons for that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are
also
ways we can solve this. In this essay, I will discuss the impact on how electronics have contributed to this problem, at the same time, how the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
this situation.

There are a few reasons for this,
first
, in modern technology, we are
constantly
distracted with electronic appliances like mobile phone, tablet, and laptop.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of these appliances are easy to reach, convenient and portable, we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tend
to focus on these gadgets
rather
than focus on our diets. Take my personal example, there are several days, I had spent the last 5 hours seating in a couch, watching Netflix from my laptop while eating a chocolate bar.
In addition
to that, as the parents are busy with works, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tend
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
their children choose whatever they like to eat. As this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
kids are not monitored
properly
and without exercise, they will follow their parent's seat for long hours and eat more sugary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
.
Therefore
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
devastating to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
children and adults are making the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
choice between gadgets and diets.

However
, there are solutions to tackle this. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
could play a major role here. They could impose high taxes to the unhealthy foodstuffs such as sugary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and drinks. When this sugary snacks are
relatively
more expensive than healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tend
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
more nutrition
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
like fruits.
Because of this
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will store in more of this nutrient rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
, and during their free time they will eat more of this even they
are seated
for long hours.
Besides
that, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should ban most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
advertisement that
constantly
showing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is filled
with a balanced diet. This advertisement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tends
to be one sided and the report is not
truly
reflecting the healthy option to the public.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to stringent these taxes and bans to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
with less nutrition, this issue will
be solved
shortly.

To conclude
, although overweight is a serious issue, there are several steps that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
and individuals can take to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
this problem. If we are serious to tackle this issue, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a difference to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the total number of obese among our globe.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay All over the world, societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. This problem affects both children and adults. What are the reasons for this rise in obesity, How could it be tackled? v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
392 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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