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Essay Topic: Some people think that giving money as gift to teenagers is good while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Essay Topic: Some people think that giving money as gift to teenagers is good while others disagree. v. 1
This essay is about to giving money as a gift to young and teenagers, but many of them are disagreeing. Although, it’s tradition in many countries, especially when youngsters are achieving some targets, or completing their studies, they expect to receive some gifts and surprises from their elders. Hence its definitely important to enhance their confidence and morale. I am a strong advocate of this approach to give money as surprises on different occasions instead of other gifts. When we talk about presents for teenagers, they get too excited and will put more efforts in their targets, in other words, it's significantly important to build their interest. In terms of gifts, there will be many options such as, offering them a mobile, game stations, but they will be more excited and cherish for the fund. Moreover, we could even arrange dinners and parties at home on achievement’s, but with the provided cash, they can arrange and use the cash in their own way. For example, they might be interested to spend cash with their friend’s, during the school or university tours. Also, the fund will give them the opportunity to enhance their ability of thinking, and it's seamlessly important and relevant to their interest, how and where to spend. Furthermore, many elders aren’t in the favor of fund for teenagers, they might be thinking it’s not safe for the child’s, to not lose control on them. Moreover, when the teenagers can have money, many in their younger age are immature and careless sometimes, which might lead them to wrong directions. And especially they need some chances to learn from the world and their elders in their supervision. After the thorough discussion, about the both points of view, in conclusion, they both somehow right with their technical analysis and points of view. So, the decision depends on the situation and the teenager age. However, in my opinion, I would say that, yes, it’s better to give them payment, lastly the idea is, for their confidence and to earn their trust, for better growth and healthy environment.
This essay is about to giving money as a gift to young and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them
The verb 'disagreeing' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are disagreeing
. Although, it’s tradition in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries,
especially
when youngsters are achieving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
targets, or completing their studies, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
to receive
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
gifts and surprises from their elders.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
Did you mean "it's" (="it is") instead of 'its' (possessive pronoun)?
its
definitely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to enhance their confidence and morale. I am a strong advocate of this approach to give money as surprises on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
occasions
instead
of other gifts.

When we talk about presents for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
too excited and will put more efforts in their targets,
in other words
, it's
significantly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to build their interest. In terms of gifts, there will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
options such as, offering them a mobile, game stations,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they will be more excited and cherish for the fund.
Moreover
, we could even arrange dinners and parties at home on achievement’s,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
with the provided cash, they can arrange and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the cash in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
way.
For example
, they might
be interested
to spend cash with their friend’s, during the school or university tours.
Also
, the fund will give them the opportunity to enhance their ability of thinking, and it's
seamlessly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
and relevant to their interest, how and where to spend.

Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
elders aren’t in the favor of fund for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
, they might be thinking it’s not safe for the child’s, to not lose control on them.
Moreover
, when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
can have money,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
in their younger age are immature and careless
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
, which might lead them to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
directions. And
especially
they need
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
chances to learn from the world and their elders in their supervision.

After the thorough discussion, about the both points of view,
in conclusion
, they both somehow right with their technical analysis and points of view.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the decision depends on the situation and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenager
age.
However
, in my opinion, I would say that, yes, it’s better to give them payment,
lastly
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
is, for their confidence and to earn their trust, for better growth and healthy environment.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Essay Topic: Some people think that giving money as gift to teenagers is good while others disagree. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
345 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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