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Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. v.23

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may relevant and useful. Others disagree. v. 23
The contentious argument that whether organizations can solicit personal information from job seekers in an employment application has sparked a heated debate among many. In this essay, I will illustrate the merits and demerits of such practice by employers and then provide my own opinion. On the one hand, there are benefits to organizations in acquiring information about a prospective employee, including his hobbies, marital status, et cetera. The primary advantage is that the multinational corporations can gauge whether an applicant is a best fit or not for a vacancy by asking for his or her personal data. For instance, a position that requires travelling frequently to various metropolitan cities in the world will not be a good-fit for married people because of their marital commitment. In addition, an organization can increase its employee retention rate by enquiring about a potential hire’s hobbies and interests. For example, a financial analyst who is fond of latest gadgets would be excited to work for a high tech corporation rather than another applicant who despises an advanced device. On the other hand, there are some cons in employers seeking personal information from job applicants. First of all, an organization may inadvertently drive away the best qualified candidate who has privacy concerns by asking for one’s hobbies, interests, marital status, et cetera. Moreover, some employers may resort to discriminatory practices by selecting potential hires based on their personal preferences. For instance, an interviewer who despises a game of cricket may overlook an applicant whose passion is to play with a bat and ball. Having considered a range of arguments, I firmly believe that the merits of an organization seeking personal information from job candidates outweigh the drawbacks; employers can match applicants to the vacancies and increase employee retention rates.
The contentious argument that whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organizations
can solicit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
from job seekers in an employment application has sparked a heated debate among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
. In this essay, I will illustrate the merits and demerits of such practice by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
and then provide my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
opinion.

On the one hand, there are benefits to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organizations
in acquiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
about a prospective employee, including his hobbies, marital status,
Possible spelling mistake found.
et cetera
. The primary advantage is that the multinational corporations can gauge whether an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applicant
is
Use "the" with the superlative.
a
best fit or not for a vacancy by asking for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
data.
For instance
, a position that requires travelling
frequently
to various metropolitan cities in the world will not be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
-fit for married
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their marital commitment.
In addition
, an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organization
can increase its employee retention rate by
Possible spelling mistake. 'enquiring' is British English.
enquiring
about a potential hire’s hobbies and interests.
For example
, a financial analyst
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
is fond of
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
gadgets would
be excited
to work for a high tech corporation
rather
than another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applicant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
despises an advanced device.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cons in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
seeking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
from job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applicants
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organization
may
inadvertently
drive away the best qualified candidate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
has privacy concerns by asking for one’s hobbies, interests, marital status,
Possible spelling mistake found.
et cetera
.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
may resort to discriminatory practices by selecting potential hires based on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
preferences.
For instance
, an interviewer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
despises a game of cricket may overlook an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applicant
whose passion is to play with a bat and ball.

Having considered a range of arguments, I
firmly
believe that the merits of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
organization
seeking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
from job candidates outweigh the drawbacks;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
can match
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
applicants
to the vacancies and increase employee retention rates.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may relevant and useful. Others disagree. v. 23

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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