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Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interest, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both these views and give your opinion. v.5

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interest, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. v. 5
There is not doubt that employee should provide his or her personal data to employers. While some people believe that personal information such as hobbies and interests and also married or single is relevant and useful to employees others argue that this data is irrelevant. In this essay, I will discuss both arguments. Firstly, Employees will provide their personal info to employers because the organization will provide some of the benefits to workers, who work with their organization. For example, employers will provide group insurance, life insurance, based on your hobbies or interests will give some trainings to get best results. If any employee is good in playing sports, most of the organization conducts internal competitions yearly. So you will participate and get appreciations and awards. As a result, the employee will get a good reputation in the company. Secondly, some of the workers not interested to provide personal data like their hobbies and personal interests. For example, someone interests are cooking or it is not related to his office work, then others will think differently. Because of the socialization with other they may afraid or inferiority complex. Some of the workers having some personal issues, so they cannot reveal their information As a result, they will lose some of the benefits from the company. In the conclusion, a majority of the workers provide their personal information for the organizational benefits, others not interested to provide their information due to the inferiority or cannot disclose. In my opinion, the employee should provide personal information to the company to get major benefits.
There is not doubt that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
data to employers. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
such as hobbies and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interests
and
also
married or single is relevant and useful to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
others argue that this data is irrelevant. In this essay, I will discuss both arguments.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Employees
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
info to employers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the organization will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
, who work with their organization.
For example
, employers will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
group insurance, life insurance, based on your hobbies or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interests
will give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
trainings to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
best results. If any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
is
The usual preposition for this expression is "at". Did you mean, "good at playing"?
good in playing
sports, most of the organization conducts internal competitions yearly.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
you will participate and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
appreciations and awards.
As a result
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
reputation in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.

Secondly
,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
not interested to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
data like their hobbies and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interests
.
For example
, someone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interests
are cooking or it is not related to his office work, then others will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
differently
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of the socialization with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
they
It seems that a verb or adverb has been misspelled or is missing here.
may afraid
or inferiority complex.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
issues,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they cannot reveal their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
As a result
, they will lose
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.

In the conclusion, a majority of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
for the organizational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
, others not interested to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
due to the inferiority or cannot disclose. In my opinion, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interest, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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