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Eating too much sugar is harmful for health. Some people think that it is government responsibility to limit people’s sugar consumption, while others think that it is individual responsibility to limit the amount of sugar they eat. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.7

Eating too much sugar is harmful for health. Some people think that it is government responsibility to limit people’s sugar consumption, while others think that it is individual responsibility to limit the amount of sugar they eat. v. 7
First of all, eating sugar is detrimental to health. There are many papers relating the sugar consumption with diabetes or other critical diseases. As you consume more sugar you get higher chances of getting one of these diseases, consequently, it is recommended to keep the sugar ingestion as low as possible. For this reason, cutting down sugar consumption is one of the challenges society is facing today. On one hand, people are demanding the government to dictate the proper laws to limit the quantity, on the other hand, some people claim for an individual responsibility as they do not want to see restricted their liberties. As a result of huge marketing campaigns, many people fall into the trap of consuming products with high sugar percentage. Usually, this public belongs to the lower-middle class, with a low level of education and less information. These kind of people are the ones who the government would try to protect if they decided to edict some regularization laws. However, some communities who think this could turn into a mechanism to give more control to the government, restricting individual liberties. Also, it could be unfair to the people who are aware of this situation and they can make a reasonable sugar consumption. Besides, each one must decide for themselves, not needing others to make each own decision. To sum up, it is very complicated to make the right decision, due to it interfere with personal liberty. In my opinion, it should be controlled and discouraged by the government, but not as much to restrict the liberty of the people.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, eating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
is detrimental to health. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
papers relating the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
consumption with diabetes or other critical diseases. As you consume more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
higher chances of getting one of these diseases,
consequently
, it
is recommended
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
ingestion as low as possible.

For this reason
, cutting down
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
consumption is one of the
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "challenges'" or "challenge's"?
challenges
society is facing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. On one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are demanding the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to dictate the proper laws to limit the quantity,
on the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
claim for an individual responsibility as they do not want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
restricted their liberties.

As a result
of huge marketing campaigns,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
fall into the trap of consuming products with high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
percentage.
Usually
, this public belongs to the lower-middle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, with a low level of education and less information.
Did you mean "this kind" or "These kinds"?
These kind
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are the ones who the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
would try to protect if they decided to edict
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
regularization laws.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
communities who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this could turn into a mechanism to give more control to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
, restricting individual liberties.
Also
, it could be unfair to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are aware of this
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
situation and
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a reasonable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
consumption.
Besides
, each one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
decide for themselves, not needing others to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
each
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
decision.

To sum up, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
complicated to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the right decision, due to it interfere with personal liberty. In my opinion, it should
be controlled
and discouraged by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not as much to restrict the liberty of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
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Amy Chua

IELTS essay Eating too much sugar is harmful for health. Some people think that it is government responsibility to limit people’s sugar consumption, while others think that it is individual responsibility to limit the amount of sugar they eat. v. 7

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
264 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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