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23. Should education and health care be free of charge and funded by governments or should it be responsible of the people for these service. Discuss with the example. v.1

23. Should education and health care be free of charge and funded by governments or should it be responsible of the people for these service. Discuss with the example. v. 1
Education and health care are two elements for local citizens in societies and the charge to assess them varies in terms of local governments. Some people advocate that governments should be responsible for funding them completely; while, others insist that it is people's personal responsibility. The essay will discuss both views and presents my personal opinion as well. Firstly, universal health care and education coverage will enhance local residents' happy sensation for which they are more  willing to contribute themselves to their nations. Nobody will suffer from illnesses due to lack of money and no student will drop out of school due to poverty. As a result, nations will become more powerful and stronger because of their strong and well-educated citizens. For example, Bhutan is one of small Asian countries with free access to health care and education since its beginning. It is one of the countries with highest National Happiness Index and strongest military force. Free access to health care and education provide a harmonious environment for residents to grow and raise their families. However, no charge of health care and education will also bring some drawbacks to the nations as well. The first one is that it might cause to abuse the services if residents and professionals who are in charge of the services do not follow strict guidelines. Therefore, universal services will lead to burdens for governments' budgets. In addiction, the efficiency of the health care system and motivation of education might be diminished. For example, in Canada, universal health care service leads to longest waiting time for seeing specialists or operating. In conclusion, free health care and education coverage will bring either benefits or drawbacks listed above. It definitely makes ordinary residents happy and less stressful by eliminating the financial burden of medical bills and education tuition. However, in order to maintain these two services's qualities, clients should have access to them properly or they will collapses and local citizens will suffer.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Education
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
are two elements for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
citizens in societies and the charge to assess them varies in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
advocate that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should be responsible for funding them completely; while, others insist that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's personal responsibility. The essay will discuss both views and presents my personal opinion
as well
.

Firstly
, universal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
coverage will enhance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
residents' happy sensation for which they are more
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
willing to contribute themselves to their nations. Nobody will suffer from illnesses due to lack of money and no student will drop out of school due to poverty.
As a result
, nations will become more powerful and stronger
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their strong and well-educated citizens.
For example
, Bhutan is one of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
Asian countries with free access to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
and education since its beginning. It is one of the countries with
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
National Happiness Index and strongest military force. Free access to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
provide a harmonious environment for residents to grow and raise their families.

However
, no charge of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
will
also
bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks to the nations
as well
. The
first
one is that it might cause to abuse the services if residents and professionals who are in charge of the services do not follow strict guidelines.
Therefore
, universal services will lead to burdens for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
' budgets. In addiction, the efficiency of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
system and motivation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
might
be diminished
.
For example
, in Canada, universal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
service leads to
A determiner is probably missing here: "the longest".
longest
waiting time for seeing specialists or operating.

In conclusion
, free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
coverage will bring either benefits or drawbacks listed above. It definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
ordinary residents happy and less stressful by eliminating the financial burden of medical bills and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
tuition.
However
, in order to maintain these two
Did you mean "service's" or "services'"?
services's
qualities, clients should have access to them
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
properly or
they will
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "collapse"
collapses
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
citizens will suffer.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
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Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay 23. Should education and health care be free of charge and funded by governments or should it be responsible of the people for these service. Discuss with the example. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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