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e people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both the views and give your opinion. v.1

e people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. v. 1
In recent years, it has been observed that parents often motivate their children to use their spare time in team activities. There are certain groups of people who think it is best for children's development, although some people believe that children should be allowed to utilize their leisure time in their own way. I contend that guiding children to participate in team activities could keep them productive in their free time. Many psychologists have asserted that parental pressure or competitive environment in school has led some young people to suffer from depression or other mental disorders. Thus, keeping this point in mind many parents give freedom to their children to follow their interests. Additionally, taking part in random activities based on the mood could release stress and increase creativity. For instance, rather than doing same group activity, a child could get an exposure to experience different things such as reading books, painting,  or crafting models in his past time.  Hence,  children can gain confidence to try new things. On the other hand, participating in group activities provides a collaborative environment which could help to build social skills. For example, a team of football players must actively listen to each other, articulate ideas and trust each other in order to win the match. Playing regular sports or attending recreational classes can improve their productivity. Therefore, children busy with these scheduled past time activities would be less prone to spend time on watching TV or playing solo video games. To conclude, in my opinion, children should be guided to pursue team activities to enhance their social skills. Moreover, this gives an opportunity to make friends for life.
In recent years, it has
been observed
that parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
motivate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. There are certain groups of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is best for children's development, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to utilize their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
way. I contend that guiding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them productive in their free time.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
psychologists have asserted that parental pressure or competitive environment in school has led
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to suffer from depression or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
mental disorders.
Thus
, keeping this point in mind
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents give freedom to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to follow their interests.
Additionally
, taking part in random
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
based on the mood could release
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and increase creativity.
For instance
,
rather
than doing same group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
, a child could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
an exposure to experience
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
things such as reading books, painting,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
or crafting models in his past
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.  
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
 children
can gain confidence to try new things.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, participating in group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
provides a collaborative environment which could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to build social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
For example
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
of football players
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
actively
listen to each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
, articulate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and trust each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
in order to win the match. Playing regular sports or attending recreational classes can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their productivity.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
busy with these scheduled past
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
would be less prone to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on watching TV or playing solo video games.

To conclude
, in my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be guided
to pursue
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
to enhance their social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Moreover
, this gives an opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends for life.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay e people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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