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e live in a world of technology these days. While the internet brings with it clear advantages, the problems in terms of control and security of information outweighs the advantages. To what extent do you agree? v.2

e live in a world of technology these days. While the internet brings with it clear advantages, the problems in terms of control and security of information outweighs the advantages. v. 2
Some people believe that the internet could be dangerous to our secrecy and has many downsides over the benefits. In this essay, I would describe this opinion and give my own viewpoint. To begin with, this might be true that our privacy could be disturbed because of the internet. Everyone could access the internet as easy as pie, moreover by hackers. As we know, there are many people who take photos from social media and edit them to become porn pictures then put them on the internet purposely. Usually, this happens to famous people such as actors or public officials. Additionally, our enemy is not only the hackers but the creator of the social media itself. This shown by Edward Snowden, the man who was an employee of the CIA revealed that all of our information and activities are being watched by CIA or America’s government by the camera on the laptop or gadget. Perhaps, the social media companies let them access our details. However, we have to admit that the internet could change our lives in many good things, even these could overweight the drawbacks. Firstly, although people do not have a place physically for selling, they could put their creations, used things, or goods in social media such as Facebook, because the citizens like to find any needs on the internet then order them directly more than go to the store. Secondly, the internet also affects people who are in traveling or staying in the oversea. It could help them if they hurt and they are looking for the hospital. All in all, I completely disagree that people gain more disadvantages because it could ease our activities such as finding information about the traffics, doctors and so on. Even though it could be unsafe for the security of our privacy, but it depends on the person to take care themselves.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that the internet could be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
to our secrecy and has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
downsides over the benefits. In this essay, I would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
this opinion and give my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
viewpoint.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, this might be true that our privacy could
be disturbed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the internet. Everyone could access the internet as easy as pie,
moreover
by hackers. As we know, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who take photos from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
and edit them to become porn pictures then put them on the internet
purposely
.
Usually
, this happens to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
such as actors or public officials.
Additionally
, our enemy is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the hackers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the creator of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
itself. This shown by Edward Snowden, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
who was an employee of the CIA revealed that all of our information and activities are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
by CIA or America’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
by the camera on the laptop or gadget. Perhaps, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them access our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
.

However
, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
admit that the internet could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
things, even these could overweight the drawbacks.
Firstly
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have a place
physically
for selling, they could put their creations,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
things, or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
such as Facebook,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the citizens like to find any needs on the internet then order them
directly
more than go to the store.
Secondly
, the internet
also
affects
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are in traveling or staying in the oversea. It could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them if they
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
hurt and
they are looking for the hospital.

All in all, I completely disagree that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
gain more disadvantages
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
our activities such as finding information about the traffics, doctors and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Even though
it could be unsafe for the security of our privacy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it depends on the person to take care themselves.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay e live in a world of technology these days. While the internet brings with it clear advantages, the problems in terms of control and security of information outweighs the advantages. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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