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Doing an enjoyable activity with a child can develop better skills and more creativity than reading. To what extent do you agree? v. 273 v.29

Doing an enjoyable activity with a child can develop better skills and more creativity than reading. v. 273 v. 29
Space explorations have been developed since the post- modern era and it has made a huge transformation in the various sectors of the life; however, there remain some disagreements as to whether this crucial for the country or the funds can be channelized to more pressing issues. I, personally, consider that it is extremely significant for countries to invest in extraterritorial studies to progress further. First of all, it is an indisputable fact that, many communication facilities and treatment modalities are originally developed for the space research. CT scans, for instance, which was used to analysis the picture of the moon and then, scientist realised that it can be used in the medical field to study the internal organs. Apart from this, communication sector is the other area which benefited tremendously by these researches. By launching satellites to the space, this had revolutionised the way human communicate and the information technology. Currently, people can have conversations (face to face and voice) with either relatives or friends on the other side of the world by using mobiles or with the internet. However, there some people argue that, the amount which has spent can be invested to improve the public infrastructure: hospitals, educational institutions, and transportation facilities. These are the basic requirements need to be provided to the citizens of any country, instead of funding for the exploration of extraterritorial area. Developing countries, India and China, where a large proportion people lives under poverty, despite this fact, they allocate a major portion of income to these researches. By contrast, if these nations helped needy people with sufficient amount, they would contribute back to the country. By way of conclusion, even though people are differed regarding spending money to conduct space research, I, again reaffirm that it is better, if they could use this for nation building and providing minimum facilities to the society.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Space
explorations have
been developed
since the post- modern era and it has made a huge transformation in the various sectors of the life;
however
, there remain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disagreements
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
this crucial for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
or the funds can
be channelized
to more pressing issues. I,
personally
, consider that it is
extremely
significant for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
to invest in extraterritorial studies to progress
further
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is an indisputable fact that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
communication facilities and treatment modalities are
originally
developed for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
. CT scans,
for instance
, which was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to analysis the picture of the moon and then, scientist
Possible spelling mistake. 'realised' is British English.
realised
that it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in the medical field to study the internal organs. Apart from this, communication sector is the other area which benefited
tremendously
by these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
researches
. By launching satellites to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
, this had
Possible spelling mistake. 'revolutionised' is British English.
revolutionised
the way human communicate and the information technology.
Currently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can have conversations (face to face and voice) with either relatives or friends on the other side of the world by using mobiles or with the internet.

However
, there
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that, the amount which has spent can
be invested
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the public infrastructure: hospitals, educational institutions, and transportation facilities. These are the basic requirements need to
be provided
to the citizens of any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
,
instead
of funding for the exploration of extraterritorial area. Developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, India and China, where a large proportion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
lives
under poverty, despite this fact, they allocate a major portion of income to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
researches
. By contrast, if these nations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
needy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with sufficient amount, they would contribute back to the country.

By way of conclusion,
even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are differed
regarding spending money to conduct
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
space
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
research
, I, again reaffirm that it is better, if they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this for nation building and providing minimum facilities to the society.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Doing an enjoyable activity with a child can develop better skills and more creativity than reading. v. 273 v. 29

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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