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Doctors, nurses and teachers make a great contribution to society and should be paid more than entertainment and sports celebrities. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Doctors, nurses and teachers make a great contribution to society and should be paid more than entertainment and sports celebrities. v. 2
It is widely acknowledged that people who work in the hospital and school are of great importance due to the fact that they are either saving people’s lives or educating our students. As a result of this, from my perspective, doctors, nurses and educators should be paid more than famous stars in the entertainment and sports fields because of the time-consuming preparation of their work and the far-reaching impact of their work on other people’s lives. The time-consuming preparation of hospital and school staff needed to be acknowledged and then be paid more than entertainers and sports stars. In other words, it is very common for hospital and school staff to work overtime and even longer hours to finish their tasks. For example, teachers spend most of their spare time doing lesson plans for students and surgeons usually work non-stop for more than 24 hours to finish the operation whereas entertainers and sports stars only need to perform at a lesser frequency. Thereby, it is important to recognise the extra time and effort they have committed for their job and pay them more money. Although entertainers and sports stars can have affect people positively, hospital and school staff have a far more reaching influence on other people. Doctors and nurses not only help patients minimize their pain, but they shape the whole society on health-related issues, similarly, teachers equip students with the necessary knowledge and skills as well as shaping the future generation. For instance, in addition to save people’s lives, doctors and nurses are the authorities on designing and implementing the health policy which has a crucial influence on the whole society’s health. The same can be applied to teachers as they are in the position to voice the future education. Therefore, doctors, nurses and teachers should be rewarded more financially than celebrities in entertainment and sports business. In conclusion, hospital staff and educators should be paid more money than famous stars in the entertainment business as a result of their huge contribution to individuals and the society as a whole.
It is
widely
acknowledged that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hospital
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
are of great importance due to the fact that they are either saving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
or educating our students.
As a result
of this, from my perspective,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nurses
and educators should
be paid
more than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
in the entertainment and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
fields
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the time-consuming preparation of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and the far-reaching impact of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
on other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

The time-consuming preparation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hospital
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
needed to
be acknowledged
and then
be paid
more than entertainers and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
.
In other words
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
common for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hospital
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
overtime and even longer hours to finish their tasks.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
spend most of their spare time doing lesson plans for students and surgeons
usually
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
non-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
for more than 24 hours to finish the operation whereas entertainers and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
need to perform at a lesser frequency. Thereby, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
Possible spelling mistake. 'recognise' is British English.
recognise
the extra time and effort they have committed for their job and pay them more money.

Although entertainers and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
can have affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
positively
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hospital
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
have a far more reaching influence on other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Doctors
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nurses
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
patients minimize their pain,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they shape the whole society on health-related issues,
similarly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
equip students with the necessary knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
as well
as shaping the future generation.
For instance
,
in addition
to save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nurses
are the authorities on designing and implementing the health policy which has a crucial influence
on the whole
society’s health. The same can
be applied
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
as they are in the position to voice the future education.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doctors
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nurses
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
should
be rewarded
more
financially
than celebrities in entertainment and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
business.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hospital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
and educators should
be paid
more money than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stars
in the entertainment business
as a result
of their huge contribution to individuals and the society as a whole.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
46Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Doctors, nurses and teachers make a great contribution to society and should be paid more than entertainment and sports celebrities. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
342 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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