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Doctors, nurses and teachers make a great contribution to society and should be paid more than entertainment and sports celebrities. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Doctors, nurses and teachers make a great contribution to society and should be paid more than entertainment and sports celebrities. v. 1
Some would argue that health caregivers and teachers are playing a vital role in the development of a society and should be paid more than film stars and renowned athletes. I completely disagree with this opinion for several reasons explained in the following paragraphs. To begin with, film and sports celebrities go through arduous and rigorous efforts to earn their names and making themselves famous. Their success is the result of consistent hard work, dedication, devotion and getting out of their comfort zones. In other words, fame and reputation do not come to them overnight rather they spend multiple years on getting training from various coaches and academies. Undoubtedly, they start from scratch and reach to the heights of fame only through their commitment and never stopping endures. To illustrate, Tom Cruise, a Hollywood celebrity worked in multiple TV programs without getting paid and selected for a film as a protagonist after investing a decade of struggle int the entertainment industry. Therefore, these accomplished personages are few among the millions to become celebrities and deserve to be paid distinctly. Secondly, everybody can be a doctor, lawyer or a teacher if they get all the prerequisites for these professions in the names of degrees, certificates and essential experiences. However, becoming a celebrity requires an additional characteristic which is the being bestowed with natural talent. In other words, this distinction of natural blessing makes these personalities unique. For instance, many people go to school to get qualified but only a few of them become celebrities in a particular industry. In conclusion, success does not come overnight rather through endurance and therefore, those who achieve it and become the limelight ought to be paid lavishly.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
would argue that health caregivers and teachers are playing a vital role in the development of a society and should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
more than film stars and renowned athletes. I completely disagree with this opinion for several reasons
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
in the following paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, film and sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
go through arduous and rigorous efforts to earn their names and making themselves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
. Their success is the result of consistent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work, dedication, devotion and getting out of their comfort zones.
In other words
, fame and reputation do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to them overnight
rather
they spend multiple years on getting training from various coaches and academies.
Undoubtedly
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
from scratch and reach to the heights of fame
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
through their commitment and never stopping endures. To illustrate, Tom Cruise, a Hollywood
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
worked in multiple TV programs without getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
and selected for a film as a protagonist after investing a decade of struggle int the entertainment industry.
Therefore
, these accomplished personages are few among the millions to become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
and deserve to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
distinctly
.

Secondly
, everybody can be a doctor, lawyer or a teacher if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
all the prerequisites for these professions in the names of degrees, certificates and essential experiences.
However
, becoming a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
requires an additional characteristic which is the
being bestowed
with natural talent.
In other words
, this distinction of natural blessing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
these personalities unique.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
go to school to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
qualified
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a few of them become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
in a particular industry.

In conclusion
, success does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
overnight
rather
through endurance and
therefore
, those who achieve it and become the limelight ought to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
lavishly
.
20Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
The limits of my language are the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Doctors, nurses and teachers make a great contribution to society and should be paid more than entertainment and sports celebrities. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
282 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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