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Doctors, nurses and teachers make a great contribution to society and should be payed more than entertainment and sports celebrities. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Doctors, nurses and teachers make a great contribution to society and should be payed more than entertainment and sports celebrities. v. 2
Medical professionals and academic teaching staff played an important role in any community. Therefore, some people assume that their salary should be more as compared to media and sports superstars. I personally believe that all professions are the need of the day and we can’t ignore any. This essay will discuss this situation using the examples of Oxford University Research and Time Magazine survey to demonstrate points and support claims. On the one hand, no one in the society deny the importance of doctors, nurses or teachers. As, life without them is very difficult because they address the moral and the physical needs of that community. Unfortunately, these respected professions are paid less as compared to the media or the gaming professionals. For example, Oxford University in 2015 conducted a research on the necessity of revaluating the pay scale of medicine professionals and mentors of institutions and find out that it will increase the pace of research by twofold. So, from this example, it is clear that instead of taking these professions as granted we have to invest on these professions to get a better output. On the other hand, sports and entertainment celebrities are earning more, as compared to other professions. This is because, people want to see these celebs more and more and want to live their lives like them. Additionally, due to the technology development these celebs become the role models of the community from their childhood. Similarly, a survey of Time Magazine in 2018 suggests the same story that 60% people idealize to become films starts or football from their childhood because of the glamour behind these trades. So, from this example, it is clear that these professions are also the need of the day and can’t be ignored. To conclude, in any society a more balanced environment is required which respect not only media or sports professionals but also their teaching and medical staff. I personally assume that every profession has its own pros and we can’t ignore any of them. In the future, although media or games will play a vital role in the society building but we will also have to consider doctors, nurses and teachers by giving them the same pay scales which we are giving to the superstars.
Medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
and academic teaching staff played an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in any community.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
assume that their salary should be more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
and sports superstars. I
personally
believe that all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
are the need of the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
day and
we can’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
any. This essay will discuss this situation using the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
examples
of Oxford University Research and Time Magazine survey to demonstrate points and support claims.

On the one hand, no one in the society deny the importance of doctors, nurses or teachers. As, life without them is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they address the moral and the physical needs of that community. Unfortunately, these respected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
are paid
less
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
compared to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
or the gaming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, Oxford University in 2015 conducted
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
on the necessity of
Possible spelling mistake found.
revaluating
the pay scale of medicine
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
and mentors of institutions and find out that it will increase the pace of research by twofold.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, from this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
instead
of taking these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
as granted we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
invest on these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a better output.

On the other hand
, sports and entertainment celebrities are earning more, as compared to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
these celebs more and more and want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
like them.
Additionally
, due to the technology development these celebs become the role models of the community from their childhood.
Similarly
, a survey of Time Magazine in 2018 suggests the same story that 60%
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
idealize to become films
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
or football from their childhood
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the glamour behind these trades.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, from this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professions
are
also
the need of the day and can’t be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
.

To conclude
, in any society a more balanced environment
is required
which respect not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
or sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
their teaching and medical staff. I
personally
assume that every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
profession
has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
pros and
we can’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
any of them. In the future, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
or games will play a vital role in the society building
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we will
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
consider doctors, nurses and teachers by giving them the same pay scales which we are giving to the superstars.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Doctors, nurses and teachers make a great contribution to society and should be payed more than entertainment and sports celebrities. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
377 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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