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Do you think we have a lot of choices today rather than past? v.1

Do you think we have a lot of choices today rather than past? v. 1
Human population has always been growing since (the) past and this brings many issues to our lives. This increase in the population has also raised the demand on everything related to our lives. As it is well known, when the demand increases, the production of alternative options increases as well. Thus, I agree that we have to make many choices in a broad range of areas such as for our career pathway and even for our closets. To begin with, many people have to make a one-time choice about their career, which will probably affect their whole life. To illustrate, many senior year high school students are expected to decide on their occupation before they know what they are going to deal with in future. This decision might be one of the tough one for one’s life and it may result in unexpected consequences such as being unhappy with that subject. Therefore, additional to(of) making too many choices, the choices we make today are affecting the destiny of our lives. Secondly, in each sector, there is a broad diversity of products, which may cause confusions to decide(when deciding) which one to buy. For example, many people are spending too much time to buy(buying) a simple T-shirt when they go to a store because of the variety of alternatives. This is mainly raised from people’s desire to have the best product and (this) resulted in consuming their energy to make a choice. Thus, the increase(increasing) amount of options is also affecting the amount of choices we make. In conclusion, people have to make many choices on different topics during their life nowadays. It is obvious that the increase in population has brought many diversity in varied areas. The need to make choices will probably keep continuing with the new alternatives, as human creativity never stops.
Human population has always been growing since (the) past and this brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
issues to our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in the population has
also
raised the demand on everything related to our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. As it is well known, when the demand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increases
, the production of alternative options
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increases
as well
.
Thus
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choices
in a broad range of areas such as for our career pathway and even for our closets.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a one-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choice
about their career, which will
probably
affect their whole life. To illustrate,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
senior year high school students are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to decide on their occupation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they know what they are going to deal with
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
. This decision might be one of the tough one for one’s life and it may result in unexpected consequences such as being unhappy with that subject.
Therefore
, additional to(of) making too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choices
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choices
we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
are affecting the destiny of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

Secondly
, in each sector, there is a broad diversity of products, which may cause confusions to decide(when deciding) which one to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are spending too much time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
(buying) a simple T-shirt when they go to a store
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the variety of alternatives. This is
mainly
raised from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
desire to have the best product and (this) resulted in consuming their energy to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choice
.
Thus
, the increase(increasing) amount of options is
also
affecting the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choices
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choices
on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
topics during their life nowadays. It is obvious that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in population has brought
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
diversity in varied areas. The need to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choices
will
probably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
continuing with the new alternatives, as human creativity never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stops
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Do you think we have a lot of choices today rather than past? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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