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Do you think success is important, or it is more important to remain happy and optimistic when you fail. v.2

Do you think success is important, or it is more important to remain happy and optimistic when you fail. v. 2
With the great improvement of the social productivity, all graduate students in every year need to be more competitive in order to find good jobs. So many people claims that the success is the most vital thing they need to pursuit. However, there are still a lot of people believe that having a happy and optimistic attitude is more important even when people fail. As I concerned, I totally agree that the positive and optimistic attitude is much more important. Remaining in happy and optimistic even in a hard time will not only make us happy but helps us to keep trying to see more possibilities beyond the failure and success. If people only work on the purpose of success, they would limit their eyes definitely, since the success is the only dimension and standard they could find. However if people could have a open mindset with positive attitude, there would be more standards to rely on and people could reflect themselves in other perspectives. For example, my friend he did not good in his last university application, since he was too focoused on the success in admission instead other valuable aspects. He was too stressed out and didn' t relax and stay happy enough. Then he finally got results with unsatisfiction. In this way remaining happy and optimistic is really necessary. Also, the a happy and optimistic mindset would be very helpful to our mental health. When people are urged to be successful, they would stressed out mostly. However, if we do not stay health both physically and intellectually, the success is nothing.
With the great improvement of the social productivity, all graduate students in every year need to be more competitive in order to find
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
jobs.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
claims
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
is the most vital thing they need to pursuit.
However
, there are
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
and optimistic attitude is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
even when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
fail. As I concerned, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and optimistic attitude is much more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.

Remaining in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
and optimistic even in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
time will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
us to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
trying to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
more possibilities beyond the failure and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
work on the purpose of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
, they would limit their eyes definitely, since the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
dimension and standard they could find.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could have
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
open mindset with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
attitude, there would be more standards to rely on and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could reflect themselves in other perspectives.
For example
, my friend he did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
in his last university application, since he was too
Possible spelling mistake found.
focoused
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
in admission
instead
other valuable aspects. He was too
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
out and
Possible spelling mistake found.
didn&
#039; t relax and stay
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
. Then he
finally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
results with
Possible spelling mistake found.
unsatisfiction
. In this way remaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
and optimistic is
really
necessary.

Also
,
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "a" is left.
the a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
and optimistic mindset would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
helpful to our mental health. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are urged
to be successful, they would
The verb 'would' requires the base form of the verb: "stress"
stressed
out
mostly
.
However
, if we do not stay health both
physically
and
intellectually
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
is nothing.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Do you think success is important, or it is more important to remain happy and optimistic when you fail. v. 2

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
264 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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