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Do you think children should always obey their parent, or are there times when its not necessary for children to obey? v.1

Do you think children should always obey their parent, or are there times when its not necessary for children to obey? v. 1
Nowadays there is a topic that discusses whether children should be given free laptops or not when they become high institute students. Some people suggest that giving laptops to them have several disadvantages such as children will be addicted to them, on the other hand, there are also many people who strongly advocate that giving free laptops to children who graduate from middle and become high institute students have several advantages, for example by using it pupils can get the valuable information which they want to know. For my part I completely agree with the latter point of view. The reasons are presented below The first reason that can easily see is that contemporary high school students, in particular Asian pupils are very stressful in every single day, because they need to compete with someone for getting higher scores so by using laptops that can get relieved for example, playing the online games or listening to music they like or watching two movies as a result, their learning efficiency will be increased. The second reason that parents need to consider is that they can get the valuable information which is that very helpful to their academic archives. The third and very important reason that adults need to consider is that nowadays we need to know how to use the internet because it is the one of the most important skills when we hunt a job so as parents they need to give the free laptops to their children early so that children can learn the method of how to use the internet. Trough above reasons we can make the conclusion that giving laptops to children who start high school have several advantages.
Nowadays there is a topic that discusses whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laptops
or not when they become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
institute students.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
suggest that giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laptops
to them have several disadvantages such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
be addicted
to them,
on the other hand
, there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
strongly
advocate that giving free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laptops
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who graduate from middle and become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
institute students have several advantages,
for example
by using it pupils can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the valuable information which they want to know. For my part I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the latter point of view. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
are presented
below

The
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
that can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
is that contemporary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
school students,
in particular
Asian pupils are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
stressful in every single day,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to compete with someone for getting higher scores
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
by using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laptops
that can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
relieved
for example
, playing the online games or listening to music they like or watching two movies
as a result
, their learning efficiency will
be increased
. The second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
that parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to consider is that they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the valuable information which is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
helpful to their academic archives.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
third and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
that adults
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to consider is that nowadays we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to know how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the internet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is the one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
when we hunt a job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
as parents they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to give the free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laptops
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
early
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can learn the method of how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the internet.

Trough above
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the conclusion that giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laptops
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
school have several advantages.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Do you think children should always obey their parent, or are there times when its not necessary for children to obey? v. 1

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
282 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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