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do you prefer to go to concerts and listen to live music or listen to recorded pieces of music? explain why? v.1

do you prefer to go to concerts and listen to live music or listen to recorded pieces of music? explain why? v. 1
Some people said that students should spend their spare time on clubs and extra curriculum activities. However, others argued that it is better for youngsters to enjoy their free time by doing things they enjoy during their childhood time. In this essay, I will discuss both sides of this view and conclude by explaining my own view. Since the world becoming more competitive for youngster to find a high salary and decent position in a company compared to couple decades ago. As a result, students, nowadays, were required to attend various after-school clubs and extra classes in their free time. For example, taking part in sports clubs, painting activities and voluntary works can not only help them maintain their academic performance, but also build their interest in different field of profession. However, it is also crucial for children to spend their time with their family and friends. As we grew up, parents, siblings and friends were important characters for youngster and it is also important to remain the relationship among us. For instance, having dinner, doing exercise or watching movies together are simple ways to connect people's feelings and emotions. And I believe these were how we made worthy and unforgettable memories of childhood. In conclusion, although it is important to maintain children's academic performance at school and be competitive for the upcoming future. I believe family matter most and should be placed in the first priority regardless any situations.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
said that students should spend their spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on clubs and extra curriculum activities.
However
, others argued that it is better for youngsters to enjoy their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
by doing things they enjoy during their childhood
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. In this essay, I will discuss both sides of this view and conclude by explaining my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
view.

Since the world becoming more competitive for youngster to find a high salary and decent position in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
compared to couple decades ago.
As a result
, students, nowadays,
were required
to attend various after-school clubs and extra classes in their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
For example
, taking part in sports clubs, painting activities and voluntary works can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them maintain their academic performance,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
build their interest in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
field of profession.

However
, it is
also
crucial for children to spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their family and friends. As we grew up, parents, siblings and friends were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
characters for youngster and it is
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to remain the relationship among us.
For instance
, having dinner, doing exercise or watching movies together are simple ways to connect
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's feelings and emotions. And I believe these were how we made worthy and unforgettable memories of childhood.

In conclusion
, although it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to maintain children's academic performance at school and be competitive for the upcoming future. I believe family matter most and should
be placed
in the
first
priority regardless any situations.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
A special kind of beauty exists which is born in language, of language, and for language.
Gaston Bachelard

IELTS essay do you prefer to go to concerts and listen to live music or listen to recorded pieces of music? explain why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
240 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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