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Do you prefer outdoor or indoor activities during the hollidays? Include reasons and details to support your answer. v.1

Do you prefer outdoor or indoor activities during the hollidays? Include reasons and details to support your answer. v. 1
In modern days kids spend most of their time watching TV programs. It is believed that TV set is not able to be a resource of knowledge as a book. And this is the reason for young people’s low level education. This essay totally agrees with this statement because books have more advantages in front of TV shows. It is argued that the television screen is not quite well to play a role as an educational resource for the several following reasons. Firstly, it is obvious that TV is intended to entertain. Secondly, often you switch on this device in order to get entertainment, and you know it already in advance. And thirdly, the shows usually are full of adverts, which is significantly distracting. For example, friends of my younger brother recommended him to watch more programs in order to develop and expand the subjects conducted in the school. But because of distracting commercials as a result he failed the final exams. On the other hand, some would strongly support the advantages of the books as a concrete tool to gain the knowledge. First of all, while reading the book the student is much more concentrated on the subject. In addition, it has special topics and it is more specialized. Furthermore, the process of reading helps to develop easily the imagination which is important for brain during the learning process because of only two participants, which is reader himself and the book. For example, a girl in my class got perfect scores in all the subjects and easily passed entrance exams at University last year just because of her learning style using only the books. To conclude, it is impossible to replace the books by television programs.
In modern days kids spend most of their time watching TV programs. It
is believed
that TV set is not able to be a resource of knowledge as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
book
. And this is the reason for young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s low level education. This essay
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
with this statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
have more advantages in front of TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
.

It
is argued
that the television screen is not quite well to play a role as an educational resource for the several following reasons.
Firstly
, it is obvious that TV
is intended
to entertain.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
you switch on this device in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
entertainment, and you know it already in advance. And
thirdly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
The adverb 'usually' usually goes after the verb 'are'.
usually are
full of adverts, which is
significantly
distracting.
For example
, friends of my younger brother recommended him to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
more programs in order to develop and expand the subjects conducted in the school.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of distracting commercials
as a result
he failed the final exams.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
would
strongly
support the advantages of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
as a concrete tool to gain the knowledge.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, while reading the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
book
the student is much more concentrated on the subject.
In addition
, it has special topics and it is more specialized.
Furthermore
, the process of reading
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to develop
easily
the imagination which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for brain during the learning process
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
two participants, which is reader himself and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
book
.
For example
, a girl in my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
perfect scores in all the subjects and
easily
passed entrance exams at University last year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of her learning style using
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the books.

To conclude
, it is impossible to replace the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
by television programs.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Do you prefer outdoor or indoor activities during the hollidays? Include reasons and details to support your answer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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