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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? If you want to succeed in business, being outgoing and friendly is very important. v.190

If you want to succeed in business, being outgoing and friendly is very important. v. 190
There has been much debate regarding the role of famous people in raising public awareness of major issues. While celebrities can attract people’s attention to the problems, I would argue that they are likely to make the problems become less crucial. To begin with, well-known people can assist international aid organisations in raising people’s awareness of social issues. Firstly, celebrities can communicate information about big problems to a large audience around the world. For example, by taking part in the Ice Bucket Challenge in 2014, various celebrities such as Bill Gates or Mark Zuckerberg have helped the ALS Organisation to let millions of people know about a disease called ALS. Secondly, since people tend to listen to the ones they admire, famous people are much more likely to be able to ask their fans to take appropriate actions. For instance, a well-known football player can ask people to donate money to help homeless individuals. However, I believe famous people might make the problems become less important. The first reason is that individuals tend to only pay attention to what celebrities do and say rather than what messages they want to convey. In the aforementioned example about the Ice Bucket Challenge, many people watched the videos of celebrities taking up the challenge without actually learning anything about the ALS disease. This makes little contribution to solving the problem compared to the large number of famous people involved. Furthermore, in order to attract viewers, well known people usually try to deliver their messages in a fun and entertaining way, which might lead to the problems becoming less serious. In conclusion, while celebrities can contribute greatly to tackling social problems, I believe they are more likely to make these problems seem less important.
There has been much debate regarding the role of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in raising public awareness of major issues. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
can attract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
attention to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, I would argue that they are likely to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
crucial.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, well-known
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can assist international aid
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
in raising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
awareness of social issues.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
can communicate information about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
to a large audience around the world.
For example
, by taking part in the Ice Bucket Challenge in 2014, various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
such as Bill Gates or Mark Zuckerberg have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
the ALS
Possible spelling mistake. 'Organisation' is British English.
Organisation
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
millions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
know about a disease called ALS.
Secondly
, since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to listen to the ones they admire,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are much more likely to be able to ask their fans to take appropriate actions.
For instance
, a well-known football player can ask
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to donate money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
homeless individuals.

However
, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. The
first
reason is that individuals tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
pay attention to what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
do and say
rather
than what messages they want to convey. In the aforementioned example about the Ice Bucket Challenge,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
the videos of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
taking up the challenge without actually learning anything about the ALS disease. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
contribution to solving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
compared to the large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
involved.
Furthermore
, in order to attract viewers, well known
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
usually
try to deliver their messages in a fun and entertaining way, which might lead to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
becoming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
serious.

In conclusion
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
can contribute
greatly
to tackling social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, I believe they are more likely to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
seem
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay If you want to succeed in business, being outgoing and friendly is very important. v. 190

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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