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Do you agree or disagree that luck has nothing to do with success? Use details and examples to support your explanation. v.1

that luck has nothing to do with success? Use details and examples to support your explanation. v. 1
In recent years, the concept of town planning is introduced to better facilitate the inhabitants. The idea is to allocate a proper area for each and every segment. This divides schools, hospitals and offices to its distinctive places resulting in a managed city. However, this result in increased travel time for the community and also the administrative expenses that the community has to pay. Though, I believe the benefits certainly outweigh the demerits. In the past, there was no concept of town planning. New developments were done without any proper approval or without considering the important factors of development. As the population increased the authorities considered the importance and introduced proper city plans. A planned city is a better place to live a peaceful life because residents enjoy the basic facilities. For example, Bahria Town is considered best residential society in Pakistan. They have segregated parks, hospitals and residential areas from each other. They develop their society away from industrial areas to keep the area clean from pollution. They also claim that they provide best healthy environment for their residents. However, there is an argument among the few that this development has increased the living expenses of an individual. The travel time to go to school, offices or hospitals has increased. Similarly, the authorities are now charging for the facilities they are providing in their societies. Resultantly, we have seen an increase in living expenses for the residents. For example, Bahria Town has certain charges of security, maintenance and club memberships which they collect from their customers on a monthly basis. Though, to live a peaceful and secure life many consumers are willing to pay such expenses in order to give a healthy lifestyle to their families. To conclude, a well managed city always gives the locals a sense of comfort and peace. However, it comes at the cost of increased living expenses and travel time. Considering the facts, the inhabitants prefer to live a well managed city because the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of town development.
In recent years, the concept of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
town
planning
is introduced
to better facilitate the inhabitants. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
is to allocate a proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
for each and every segment. This divides schools, hospitals and offices to its distinctive places resulting in a managed city.
However
, this result in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
travel time for the community and
also
the administrative expenses that the community
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
pay.
“Though” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Though
, I believe the benefits
certainly
outweigh the demerits.

In the past, there was no concept of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
town
planning. New
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
developments
were done
without any proper approval or without considering the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factors of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
. As the population
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
the authorities considered the importance and introduced proper city plans. A planned city is a better place to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a peaceful life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
residents enjoy the basic facilities.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Bahria
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Town
is
A determiner is probably missing here: "considered the best".
considered best
residential society in Pakistan. They have segregated parks, hospitals and residential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
from each other. They develop their society away from industrial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
clean from pollution.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
They
also
claim that they
A determiner is probably missing here: "provide the best".
provide best
healthy environment for their residents.

However
, there is an argument among the few that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
the living expenses of an individual. The travel time to go to school, offices or hospitals has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
.
Similarly
, the authorities are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
charging for the facilities they are providing in their societies.
Resultantly
, we have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
an increase in living expenses for the residents.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Bahria
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Town
has certain charges of security, maintenance and club memberships which they collect from their customers on a monthly basis. Though, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a peaceful and secure life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
consumers are willing to pay such expenses in order to give a healthy lifestyle to their families.

To conclude
, a well managed city always gives the locals a sense of comfort and peace.
However
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
at the cost of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
living expenses and travel time. Considering the facts, the inhabitants prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a well managed city
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
town
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay that luck has nothing to do with success? Use details and examples to support your explanation. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
337 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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