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Do you agree with the following statement? Schools should focus more on science and mathematics than on humanities courses. v.3

Schools should focus more on science and mathematics than on humanities courses. v. 3
Everyone all around the world wants to look good or charming irrespective of their age. Many people try to hide their real age and wanted to look younger. Basically, they are scared to have old and dull skin, diseases and problem that comes with the older age. Personally, I believe it is a bad thing to do so and I will elaborate this in my essay. To begin with, the need to defeat aging is a new trend in which lots of people want to have some sort of secret formula that can help then and achieve a younger age for life long. For example, many people, including celebrities go under plastic surgery for the glowing and beautiful skin, they have to look good on screen as they are getting work because of that. Lots of makeup and beauty products are there in the market which claims that they can obtain your desirable goal. However, no one is noticing the harmful effect of these products on our skin and body if we apply these for a long period of time. Doctors are warning everyone to avoid all these kind of stuff if you do not want to have some serious skin-related diseases. People can achieve this if they include some of the good habits in their lifestyle like exercise and a healthy diet. For example, there are lots of sports-person who look younger than their age because of this, everyone admires the hard work that football star Cristino Ronaldo do to look fit and young. But that does not mean it is going to stay forever because it is a part of our life. To conclude, people should not be obsessed to look younger and then later they face lots of problems in their life, instead of they should look to be fit and healthy to enjoy their life. People need to realize this and stop these negative trends as there is no harm in getting older rather than trying to be young. They should learn and appreciate the wisdom and maturity that comes with aging.
Everyone all around the world wants to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
or charming irrespective of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hide
their real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
and wanted to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
.
Basically
, they
are scared
to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
and dull skin, diseases and problem that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with the older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
.
Personally
, I believe it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
thing to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
and I will elaborate this in my essay.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the need to defeat aging is a new trend in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lots
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sort of secret formula that can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
then and achieve a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
for life long.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, including celebrities go under plastic surgery for the glowing and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
skin, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
on screen as they are getting work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Lots
of makeup and beauty products are there in the market which claims that they can obtain your desirable goal.
However
, no one is noticing the harmful effect of these products on our skin and body if we apply these for a long period of time. Doctors are warning everyone to avoid all
Did you mean "this kind" or "these kinds"?
these kind
of stuff if you do not want to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
serious skin-related diseases.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
can achieve this if they include
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
habits in their lifestyle like exercise and a healthy diet.
For example
, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lots
of sports-person who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
than their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
because of this
, everyone admires the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work that football star
Possible spelling mistake found.
Cristino
Ronaldo do to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
fit and young.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
that does not mean it is going to stay forever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is a part of our life.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should not
be obsessed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
and then later they face
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lots
of problems in their life,
instead
of they should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
look
to
be fit
and healthy to enjoy their life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
need to realize this and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
trends as there is no harm in getting older
rather
than trying to be young. They should learn and appreciate the wisdom and maturity that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with aging.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Schools should focus more on science and mathematics than on humanities courses. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
346 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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