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Do you agree or disagree with this sentence? the opinions of celebrities such as famous person entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than they are to older people. v.8

with this sentence? the opinions of celebrities such as famous person entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than they are to older people. v. 8
The question is whether the opinions of celebrities such as famous person entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than they are to older people or not. In my vantage point, this belief definitely dominates on society and youth who are intrigued of famous people. My arguments and reasons are listed below which will strengthen my point of view: First of all, nowadays, young people look for obtaining the fame; hence famous people can be a superior choice for them. Having high income, setting on the main cover of the magazines and being well-known for majority of people and so on, are the strongest philosophies to young generation admire famous people rather than ordinary people. Second, youth are usually inclined to a modern life. Their preference is the last version any car, the luxurious houses with modern furniture. To their belief is that all of these facilities improve quality of living. It may be true; however there are a lot of other worthwhile things in the world that have spiritual effects on our life like kindness or learning from the past mistakes and etc. Since a young person’s mind is into his eyes, it will not be astounding that the approach of famous people’s life is preferred to ordinary people by young people. Third, it goes without saying that traveling, discovering the awesome parts of the world and doing marvelous things and so on can attract youths’ consideration instead of watching a usual life or doing routine things. It is obvious that younger people are endeavoring to access such a life; naturally older people’s experiences will not be effective in their view. As I have illustrated, new generation want to create a different world from their parents, consequently getting idea from famous people’s life can be the best solution for them in this way.
The question is whether the opinions of celebrities such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
person entertainers and athletes, are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
than they are to older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
or not. In my vantage point, this belief definitely dominates on society and youth who
are intrigued
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. My arguments and reasons
are listed
below which will strengthen my point of view:

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
look for obtaining the fame;
hence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can be a superior choice for them. Having high income, setting on the main cover of the magazines and being well-known for
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on, are the strongest philosophies to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation admire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
rather
than ordinary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Second, youth are
usually
inclined to a modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Their preference is the last version any car, the luxurious
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
with modern furniture. To their belief is that all of these facilities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
quality of living. It may be true;
however
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
other worthwhile things in the world that have spiritual effects on our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
like kindness or learning from the past mistakes
Write the name of the item after 'and' or use only "etc".
and etc
. Since a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
person’s mind is into his eyes, it will not be astounding that the approach of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is preferred
to ordinary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Third, it goes without saying that traveling, discovering the awesome parts of the world and doing marvelous things and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on can attract youths’ consideration
instead
of watching a usual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
or doing routine things. It is obvious that younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are endeavoring to access such a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
;
naturally
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
experiences will not be effective in their view.

As I have illustrated, new generation want to create a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
world from their parents,
consequently
getting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
can be the best solution for them in this way.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay with this sentence? the opinions of celebrities such as famous person entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than they are to older people. v. 8

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
306 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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