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do you agree or disagree with this sentence? to achieve successful development of a country, a government should spend more money on young children’s education rather than on universities v.6

with this sentence? to achieve successful development of a country, a government should spend more money on young children’s education rather than on universities v. 6
There is split opinion regarding selection of subject. Although, some layman says that children should give equal importance and study all school subjects, other people believe in those subjects which are very interesting. I have emphasised both approaches before comment my opinion in following paragraphs. To commence with, indeed, there are several benefits of studying all school subjects. The most profound one is that a student can obtain admission in good college by performing well in all subjects. To buttress view, overall good performance is considered as an entry pass of practical life. Even if they perform well, then they fulfil their dream by getting good knowledge. Apart from this, one more dominance is, pupils can get gain depth information about all subjects. Beside this, since they have deep knowledge about all subjects, they will not face an unemployment problem. In competitive era, where the pupil must have all subject knowledge. As a result, they can give a better fight in competitive era. Profession of teacher is suitable example, because it has deep information about all subject. Alternatively, learn interesting subject has some supremacy. First and foremost one is that since pupil are more concentrated on a single subject, they will get the mastery in the particular subject. This is to say that teenagers can spend more time on a single subject and read deeply, therefore they will do some innovative thing about a single subject. In addition, due to less burden of all subjects, they will more focus on STEM subjects which are very important for making good career. Development of technology through STEM subjects are mandatory for getting a good job, otherwise they will face some difficulties. For instance, 95% of students choose medical, engineering field due to high salary provided by the companies. Henceforth to conclude, all subjects through students can get depth knowledge of all subjects, whilst selected subjects through which students can secure high pay salary. So, according to my view, the student should focus on some selected subjects which are interesting.
There
is split
opinion regarding selection of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
. Although,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
layman says that children should give equal importance and study all school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe in those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
which are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
interesting. I have
Possible spelling mistake. 'emphasised' is British English.
emphasised
both approaches
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
comment my opinion in following paragraphs.

To commence with,
indeed
, there are several benefits of studying all school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
. The most profound one is that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
can obtain admission in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
college by performing well in all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
. To buttress view,
overall
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
performance
is considered
as an entry pass of practical life. Even if they perform well, then they fulfil their dream by getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
. Apart from this, one more dominance is, pupils can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
gain depth information about all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
. Beside this, since they have deep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
about all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, they will not face an unemployment problem. In competitive era, where the pupil
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
.
As a result
, they can give a better fight in competitive era. Profession of teacher is suitable example,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it has deep information about all subject.

Alternatively
, learn interesting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
supremacy.
First
and foremost one is that since pupil are more concentrated on a single
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the mastery in the particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
. This is to say that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
can spend more time on a single
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
and read
deeply
,
therefore
they will do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
innovative thing about a single
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
.
In addition
, due to less burden of all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, they will more focus on STEM
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
which are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
career. Development of technology through STEM
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are mandatory for getting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
job,
otherwise
they will face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
difficulties.
For instance
, 95% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
choose medical, engineering field due to high salary provided by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Henceforth
to conclude
, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
depth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
of all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, whilst selected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
through which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can secure high pay salary.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, according to my view, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
should focus on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
selected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
which are interesting.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay with this sentence? to achieve successful development of a country, a government should spend more money on young children’s education rather than on universities v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
337 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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