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do you agree or disagree with this sentence? to achieve successful development of a country, a government should spend more money on young children’s education rather than on universities v.12

with this sentence? to achieve successful development of a country, a government should spend more money on young children’s education rather than on universities v. 12
The question is whether to achieve successful development of a country, a government should spend more money on young children’s education rather than on universities or not. In my vantage point, spending more consideration and money on elementary schools and the methods of learning of children can have more effect on society than universities. My arguments and reasons are listed below that they will strengthen my point of view: First, it has been accepted that children have a great ability for learning; consequently if we spend a lot of money on facilities of schools, like the best libraries with the newest published books and also a high speed of internet, this opportunity will be created for children to improve their rudimentary knowledge base and subsequently they will be able to broaden their mind’s performance for creative ideas. Second, majority of young people who enter the universities, before attending in such a place, have never faced to sophisticated learning tools, so they may confuse in related with the learning approaches, because they have obtained their information in the simplest ways during childhood. For instance, when I accepted in the university, I could not perceive my filed, because from childhood, it was not being taught to us that what goal we are looking for. We just knew that we had to study and have a job in the future, while if our teachers had spoken about the goals of studying with us or if they had used some different ways for teachings, we would have had an ample view toward our aims. Third, when government investigates on elementary schools, at least it will be confident about growing interpersonal skills between children. It goes without saying that focusing on children’s education can have a positive impact on children’s personality, because when we regard to them as a mature person, they know themselves responsible in front of us and they are inclined to do our requests; as a result they will become to an independent person. As I have illustrated, spending more money on children’s education not only can guarantee the future of country, but also it can change children’s behavior in the best way.
The question is whether to achieve successful development of a country, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
education
rather
than on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
or not. In my vantage point, spending more consideration and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on elementary schools and the methods of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can have more effect on society than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
. My arguments and reasons
are listed
below that they will strengthen my point of view:

First
, it has been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have a great ability for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
;
consequently
if we spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on facilities of schools, like the best libraries with the newest published books and
also
a high speed of internet, this opportunity will
be created
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their rudimentary knowledge base and
subsequently
they will be able to broaden their mind’s performance for creative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
.

Second,
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who enter the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
attending in such a place, have never faced to sophisticated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
tools,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they may confuse in related with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
approaches,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have obtained their information in the simplest ways during childhood.
For instance
, when I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
, I could not perceive my filed,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
from childhood, it was not
being taught
to us that what goal we are looking for. We
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
Did you mean "new"?
knew
that we had to study and have a job in the future, while if our teachers had spoken about the goals of studying with us or if they had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ways for teachings, we would have had an ample view toward our aims.

Third, when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
investigates on elementary schools, at least it will be confident about growing interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. It goes without saying that focusing on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
education can have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
personality,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when we regard to them as a mature person, they know themselves responsible in front of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
us and
they
are inclined
to do our requests;
as a result
they will become to an independent person.

As I have illustrated, spending more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
education not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
can guarantee the future of country,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
behavior in the best way.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay with this sentence? to achieve successful development of a country, a government should spend more money on young children’s education rather than on universities v. 12

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
361 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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