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Do you agree or disagree with the statements. Children should not be allowed to play the video games? v.1

Children should not be allowed to play the video games? v. 1
In recent decades, learning English has become common and prevalent subject in education all over the globe. But there are two different opinions, one of which is that the maintenance studying English due to once, people learn such a language, they can get a lot of opportunities, the other of which is that there is the likelihood that one's country's language is highly likely to vanish. However, I personally believe that people can easily take the advantages in educating in their life. On the one hand, there are some people who argue that to keep learning English, despite they have own language is seriously dangerous and be posed a threat their inherent language. Commonly, the language has one's country' tradition and history, which our ancestors were protected from a lot of invasions in the past, so modern generation have to preserve their own language and it makes the citizens profound ethnic conscious. So people cannot lose their own colour by learning English excessively Nevertheless, I firmly of the opinion that, in current time, modern people spend their amounts of time in education are desirable phenomenon. In the first place, English serves as the public language whole over the world so that people want to know and educate such a discipline. In addition, people can get numerous opportunities when they choose a job or study from abroad. To illustrate in detail, English provides mass with a number of information in many directions. In this regard, a lot of people are eager for studying study how to speak English as a bilingual. Another point worth mentioning is that it is possible to communicate with other people. It leads to break the barrier of language and they can clearly interact each other without any misunderstand or misguide. In conclusion, there are still debatable views, whether or not, considering people study a new language, apart from their own language. But I am convinced that education with language which is widespread used, play a role in underlying people's start line.
In recent decades, learning English has become common and prevalent subject in education all over the globe.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
there are two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opinions, one of which is that the maintenance studying English due to once,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
learn such a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
opportunities, the other of which is that there is the likelihood that one's country's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
is
highly
likely to vanish.
However
, I
personally
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
easily
take the advantages
Adverb repetition. Please, verify.
in educating in
their life.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who argue that to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
learning English, despite they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
is
seriously
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
and
be posed
a threat their inherent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
.
Commonly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
has one's country' tradition and history, which our ancestors
were protected
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
invasions in the past,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
modern generation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
preserve their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the citizens profound ethnic conscious.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot lose their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Possible spelling mistake. 'colour' is British English.
colour
by learning English
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
excessively


Nevertheless
, I
firmly
of the opinion that, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
time, modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend their amounts of time in education are desirable phenomenon. In the
first
place, English serves as the public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
whole over the world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to know and educate such a discipline.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
numerous opportunities when they choose a job or study from abroad. To illustrate in detail, English provides mass with
Possible agreement error. The noun information seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much information", "a good deal of information".
a number of information
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
directions. In this regard,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are eager for studying study how to speak English as a bilingual. Another point worth mentioning is that it is possible to communicate with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. It leads to break the barrier of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
language and
they can
clearly
interact each other without any misunderstand or misguide.

In conclusion
, there are
still
debatable views,
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
, considering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
study a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
, apart from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I
am convinced
that education with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
which is widespread
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
, play a role in underlying
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
line.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Children should not be allowed to play the video games? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
335 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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