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Do you agree or disagree with the following statements? people who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful in working in a group. v.4

people who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful in working in a group. v. 4
In recent times, the technology has influenced the world predominantly. Therefore, many people argue that the importance of the artists in this hi-tech era will degrade. This essay will discuss about the importance of the artists over the scientists in society and the reasons to motivate such a creative field. To begin with, the functions that only the artists can perform for a betterment of the society. The artists can spread awareness to the people about the social vices with the medium of their art, such a method can convey a message in a meaningful way. As a result, everyone is influenced by it. Whereas the scientists are not capable to communicate to the people effectively. For instance, a painter can bring a revolution into the society for awareness on the environmental issues. Moreover, many cultural heritages are preserved by such creative people and they convey it to the next generations with their art. Thus, there is no any alternative of the artists in a civilized society. On the other hand, there are many reasons to conserve the art. Firstly, the art explores the imagination of an individual; from where the idea of innovation emerges. Secondly, many people motivates towards the arts, such as painting, photography and music; to overcome from their stress of routine life. Thus the art also works as a stress buster for many people. Lastly, the art brings the people from each segment of the society together. For example, to attend the concert of Michael Jackson, the people from all over the world unit together. Therefore, to develop the civilized society, the art plays a vital role. In conclusion, the world need to have both scientists and artists to develop good society. Thus we should not over shade one on another.
In recent times, the technology has influenced the world
predominantly
.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that the importance of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
in this hi-tech era will degrade. This essay will
Did you mean simply "discuss the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about the
importance of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
over the scientists in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and the reasons to motivate such a creative field.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the functions that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
can perform for a betterment of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
can spread awareness to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about the social vices with the medium of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
, such a method can convey a message
Consider replacing "in a meaningful way" with the adverb for "meaningful"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a meaningful way
.
As a result
, everyone
is influenced
by it.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
the scientists are not capable to communicate to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
effectively
.
For instance
, a painter can bring a revolution into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
for awareness on the environmental issues.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cultural heritages
are preserved
by such creative
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
people and
they convey it to the
next
generations with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
.
Thus
, there is
Did you mean "now" (=at this moment) instead of 'no' (negation)?
no
any alternative of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
in a civilized society.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons to conserve the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
.
Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
explores the imagination of an individual; from where the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of innovation emerges.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
motivates
towards the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
, such as painting, photography and music; to overcome from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
of routine life.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
also
works as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
buster for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Lastly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
brings the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from each segment of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
together.
For example
, to attend the concert of Michael Jackson, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from all over the world unit together.
Therefore
, to develop the civilized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
plays a vital role.

In conclusion
, the world need to have both scientists and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
to develop
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
we should not over shade one on another.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay people who cannot accept the criticism from others will not be successful in working in a group. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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