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Do you agree or disagree with the following statements? For the successful development of a country, it is more important for a government to spend money on the education of very young children (five to ten years old) than to spend money on universities. v.17

For the successful development of a country, it is more important for a government to spend money on the education of very young children (five to ten years old) than to spend money on universities. v. 17
With the rapid development of society, a great number of intelligent young elites are needed more than before, which requires a certain amount of money to support them. Thus, an interesting topic arises: to make a country’s development successful, whether a government should spend more money on young children or on undergraduates. While not a few people advocate the former idea, I cannot emphasize the necessity of the money spending on universities more for the following reasons. First and foremost, more money should be spent on universities since young adults have more developed brain than younger kids. Their mature brain enables them to have a better memory and comprehension towards certain fields. Hence governments would be well-advised to show their emphasis on it as education is the basic foundation of individual’ success, and even a country’s success. It is not difficult to imagine how hopeful our country will be provided that a group of youngsters keep learning enthusiastically, make good use of their brain in the best of their age because of their confidence in their own governments. Nevertheless, it would be a totally tragedy if their superior advantage in brain has not been brought into full play due to the lack of money. Another point worth mentioning is that youngsters are more creative in most fields, which calls for money to support their unique ideas go into action (/ become practical application. ). As is known to all, students in collage, have the most active mind compared with young children in primary school as well as most adults in their workplace. The Japanese government is a suitable case in point, for it keeps increasing its expenditure in universities on the ground that they believe youths in collage have the most creative mind and thus much money is required to meet the need of their experiments and so on. Thanks to this policy, several surveys suggests that the portion of Japanese international talent, whose country profited benefits from their contribution, is one of the largest over the world. Admittedly, the education of children of five to ten years old is an important element when it comes to cultivate their intelligence and a positive approach to study. However, it is mostly from universities that the greatest thoughts and ideas come, which overweighs the necessity of money spending on young children. To put it in a nutshell, university is a heaven for a mass of creative and perspective individuals to show their ability to bring benefits to their country’s progress. Therefore, it would not be overstated to claim that spending more money on university is worth it in the long run.
With the rapid development of society, a great number of intelligent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
elites
are needed
more than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, which requires a certain amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to support them.
Thus
, an interesting topic arises: to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
development successful, whether a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
children or on undergraduates. While not a few
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
advocate the former
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
, I cannot emphasize the necessity of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
spending on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
more for the following reasons.

First
and foremost, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
should
be spent
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
adults have more developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brain
than younger kids. Their mature
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brain
enables them to have a better memory and comprehension towards certain fields.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
would be well-advised to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their emphasis on it as education is the basic foundation of individual’ success, and even a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
success. It is not difficult to imagine how hopeful our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
will
be provided
that a group of youngsters
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "keeps"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'keep' is not always incorrect.)
keep
learning
enthusiastically
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brain
in the best of their age
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their confidence in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
.
Nevertheless
, it would be a
You used an adverb ('totally') instead of an adjective, or a noun ('tragedy') instead of another adjective.
totally tragedy
if their superior advantage in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
brain
has not
been brought
into full play due to the lack of money.

Another point worth mentioning is that youngsters are more creative in most fields, which calls for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to support their unique
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
go into action (/ become practical application.
Loose punctuation mark.
)
. As
is known
to all, students in collage, have the most active mind compared with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
children in primary school
as well
as most adults in their workplace. The Japanese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is a suitable case in point, for it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
increasing its expenditure in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
on the ground that they believe youths in collage have the most creative mind and
thus
much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is required
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the need of their experiments and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. Thanks to this policy, several surveys suggests that the portion of Japanese international talent, whose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
profited benefits from their contribution, is one of the largest over the world.

Admittedly
, the education of children of five to ten years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
element when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to cultivate their intelligence and a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
approach to study.
However
, it is
mostly
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
that the greatest thoughts and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
, which
Possible spelling mistake found.
overweighs
the necessity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
spending on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
children.

To put it in a nutshell,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
is a heaven for a mass of creative and perspective individuals to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their ability to bring benefits to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country’s
progress.
Therefore
, it would not
be overstated
to claim that spending more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
is worth it in the long run.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
32Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay For the successful development of a country, it is more important for a government to spend money on the education of very young children (five to ten years old) than to spend money on universities. v. 17

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
439 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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