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You have received a gift of money. The money is enough to buy either a piece of jewelry you like or tickets to a concert you want to attend. Which would you buy? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer. v.2

You have received a gift of money. The money is enough to buy either a piece of jewelry you like or tickets to a concert you want to attend. Which would you buy? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer. v. 2
Needless to say, no one can do what he wants if he has not enough money and it is obvious that financial problems are the biggest obstruct in achieving to dreams. The way that we spend our money is different from one person to another. However, as so far as I am concerned, if I have sufficient amount of money, I will buy the tickets for the concert. I feel this way for two reasons which I will explain in this essay. The first and the most prominent reason that comes to my mind is that the concert may not be available in another day. Regardless of some singers who are not noticeably famous, popular artists have concerts just in a few days of a year. In no account would I miss this opportunity to buy the tickets for my favorite singer’s concert and wait for the next time that is not predictable when it is. For example, I am a fan of Beatles band and try to collect their all albums. Because of my countries problems, the concerts are not prevalent here. Nevertheless, I was abroad last year and the Beatles had a concert in that country luckily. I was delighted and wanted to buy the tickets but there was no ticket available and I could not buy any ticket. I missed this opportunity and do not know when is the next time that the Beatles come to that country again. Consequently, I will buy the tickets this time because I do not know whether will be another concert soon or not. Secondly, the second reason is the joyfulness and the pleasure. Never anyone ever cast a shadow of doubt on the importance of fun and happy times in their life. the concerts make individuals excited and helps to enjoy their time. For instance, my father is not a fan of music and hardly does he listen to a song. He prefers to hear the news and be aware of the world’s changes. On the contrary, my mother loves music and goes to the concerts every week. Once that he had bought tickets for a concert, one of his friends had and cold and was not able to go to that concerts. My brother persuaded my father to be with him at that concert and my father surprisingly accepted. They had an unforgettable night and enjoyed excessively. After that night, my father asks my brother to take him to the all the concerts that he goes. As a result, the concerts are very exciting and joyful. To put in the nutshell, I personally prefer to buy the tickets for the concert. The concerts are very pleasant and delightful and they are usually annual.
Needless to say, no one can do what he wants if he has not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money and it is obvious that financial problems are the biggest obstruct in achieving to dreams. The way that we spend our money is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from one person to another.
However
, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
far as I
am concerned
, if I have sufficient amount of money, I will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concert
. I feel this way for two reasons which I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
in this essay.

The
first
and the most prominent reason that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to my mind is that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concert
may not be available in another day. Regardless of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
singers who are not
noticeably
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
, popular artists have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concerts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
in a few days of a year. In no account would I miss this opportunity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
for my favorite singer’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concert
and wait for the
next
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
that is
not predictable when it is.
For example
, I am a fan of Beatles band and try to collect their all albums.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of my countries problems, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concerts
are not prevalent here.
Nevertheless
, I was abroad last year and the Beatles had a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concert
in that country luckily. I
was delighted
and wanted to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there was no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ticket
available and I could not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ticket
. I missed this opportunity and do not know when is the
next
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
that the Beatles
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to that country again.
Consequently
, I will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I do not know whether will be another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concert
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
or not.

Secondly
, the second reason is the joyfulness and the pleasure.
The adverb 'Never' is usually not used at the beginning of a sentence.
Never
anyone ever cast a shadow of doubt on the importance of fun and happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
in their life.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concerts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
individuals excited and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to enjoy their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
For instance
, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
is not a fan of music and hardly does he listen to a song. He prefers to hear the news and be aware of the world’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
.
On the contrary
, my mother
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loves
music and goes to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concerts
every week. Once that he had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concert
, one of his friends had and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cold
and was not able to go to that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concerts
. My brother persuaded my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
to be with him at that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concert
and my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
surprisingly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
. They had an unforgettable night and enjoyed
excessively
. After that night, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
father
asks my brother to take him to the all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concerts
that he goes.
As a result
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concerts
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
exciting and joyful.

To put in the nutshell, I
personally
prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concert
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concerts
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
pleasant and
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
delightful and
they are
usually
annual.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
39Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay You have received a gift of money. The money is enough to buy either a piece of jewelry you like or tickets to a concert you want to attend. Which would you buy? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
454 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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