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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: Your job has moreeffect on your happiness than your social life does. v.2

: Your job has moreeffect on your happiness than your social life does. v. 2
As a matter of fact, everybody wants to have some hobbies to be satisfied in his/her life. Some people believe that their job is the whole of their life and some people think otherwise, because they think that they do not have enough time to spend in these activities. In my view, I strongly believe that each person needs to have some different entertainments from his/her job. This point is important, because people want to live happy and healthy. First and foremost, doing some new activities will help people to find new friends and expand their relationships. Consequently, new friends will create new opportunities for their friends to be happier or meet their future partner in the new groups. For instance, a guy who has many relations in work and gym and other social groups will have a huge chance to meet his favorite partner in these places. In addition, undoubtedly, each person needs to be healthy in mind and body. As everybody knows, physical activities will help people to have some movements during a boring day and it will help them to be in a balance in their life. As an illustration, psychologists in Irvine University found out that there is a direct relation between doing exercise and being happy. These researchers published their essay in the psychological books three years before. Last but not least, having some variety in the daily schedule is fun. Adults especially young adults do not like to do a same work for the entire day. Planning an accurate schedule will help them to have fun and be more satisfied during their working days without wasting time. Therefore, people will see some significant changes in their life. In another word, they will be surprisingly more energetic in their job position too, because they have an interesting plan for their life. To sum up, having physical activities is not only helpful for human' s health, but also has indirect effects on human' s job. Although some people think that having variety of activities during a week is a kind of wasting time, some people have a perfect plan for their life and they will gain more benefits.
As a matter of fact, everybody wants to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
hobbies to
be satisfied
in his/her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is the whole of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
otherwise
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to spend in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. In my view, I
strongly
believe that each person needs to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
entertainments from his/her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. This point is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
happy and healthy.

First
and foremost, doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
friends and expand their relationships.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
friends will create
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
opportunities for their friends to be happier or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their future partner in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
groups.
For instance
, a guy who has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
relations in work and gym and other social groups will have a huge chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
his favorite partner in these places.

In addition
,
undoubtedly
, each person needs to be healthy in mind and body. As everybody knows, physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
movements during a boring day and it will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them to be in a balance in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. As an illustration, psychologists in Irvine University found out that there is a direct relation between doing exercise and being happy. These researchers published their essay in the psychological books three years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.

Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
variety in the daily schedule is fun. Adults
especially
young adults do not like to do a same work for the entire day. Planning an accurate schedule will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them to have fun and be more satisfied during their working days without wasting time.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
significant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. In another word, they will be
surprisingly
more energetic in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
position too,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have an interesting plan for their life.

To sum up, having physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
helpful for
Possible spelling mistake found.
human&
#039; s health,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
has indirect effects on
Possible spelling mistake found.
human&
#039; s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that having variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
during a week is a kind of wasting time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a perfect plan for their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
they will gain more benefits.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay : Your job has moreeffect on your happiness than your social life does. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
362 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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