Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

13. Young people should try different jobs before they decide which job or career they will do in the long term. v.2

13. Young people should try different jobs before they decide which job or career they will do in the long term. v. 2
As a matter of fact, everybody wants to have a wonderful job in his/her life, so people have always tried to find a appropriate career for themselves. Undoubtedly, some job positions look attractive at first and they are going to be less attractive during a period of time. Consequently, finding a suitable place in society for each person is necessary to guaranty their satisfaction. First and foremost, school materials for each career are different than actual works. Each student has some knowledge about his/her favorite major, but it is not enough for them. Most jobs are different in the real world. Having many information about each job is the most important factor to be successful in the job market. Second, each student has some dreams about his/her future job. Most of these dreams are based on wrong data. Children do not have that much experience about jobs, so they are going to make some common mistakes easily. For example, you might think about photography a lot during your school ages, but after graduation in school you will find out that there are not that many job opportunities in the world. In that case, although you love photography, you might prefer to choose another major for your future, because there is a big different between your dream and the actual job. Last but not least, people' s mind is changing. As every person know, people have some choices during their life. They might choose one partner for the rest of their life, but after a while, they will decide to change their partner. These kinds of things are happening for many people especially young adults. People can try a variety of majors to earn enough experience for the future. As an illustration, imagine a guy who is 20 years old. He has no idea about his future and in this time, he prefer to work as an accountant. If he learns many majors during first years of his job, he will earn lots of experiences in those years, so he can be sure about his future, because he has enough knowledge in many careers. If he doesn' t like one of them, he can switch his major quickly. To sum up, having a variety of information about some careers is not only good for student' s choices, but also is good for their future.
As a matter of fact, everybody wants to have a wonderful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in his/her life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have always tried to find
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
appropriate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
for themselves.
Undoubtedly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
positions look attractive at
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
first and
they are going to be less attractive during a period of time.
Consequently
, finding a suitable place in society for each person is necessary to guaranty their satisfaction.

First
and foremost, school materials for each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
Did you mean 'different "from"? 'Different than' is often considered colloquial style.
than
actual works. Each student has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
knowledge about his/her favorite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for them. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
in the real world. Having
Possible agreement error. The noun information seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much information", "a good deal of information".
many information
about each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor to be successful in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
market.

Second, each student has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
dreams about his/her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. Most of these dreams
are based
on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
data. Children do not have that much experience about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they are going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
common mistakes
easily
.
For example
, you might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about photography a lot during your school ages,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
after graduation in school you will find out that there are not that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunities in the world.
In that case
, although you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
photography, you might prefer to choose another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
for your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
between your dream and the actual job.

Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least,
Possible spelling mistake found.
people&
#039; s mind is changing. As every person know,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
choices during their life. They might choose one partner for the rest of their life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
after a while, they will decide to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their partner. These kinds of things are happening for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
especially
young adults.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
can try a variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
majors
to earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
experience for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
. As an illustration, imagine a guy who is 20 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. He has no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
about his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
and in this time, he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "prefers", "preferred".
prefer
to work as an accountant. If he learns
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
majors
during
first
years of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, he will earn lots of experiences in those years,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
he can be sure about his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
knowledge in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
. If he
Possible spelling mistake found.
doesn&
#039; t like one of them, he can switch his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
quickly
.

To sum up, having a variety of information about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for
Possible spelling mistake found.
student&
#039; s choices,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay 13. Young people should try different jobs before they decide which job or career they will do in the long term. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
393 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts