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do you agree or disagree with the following statement: the university will spend money on dormitory to improve the life quality of students, which of the following do you thin is the best way? providing a room for quiet study; building an exercise room; p v.1

: the university will spend money on dormitory to improve the life quality of students, which of the following do you thin is the best way? providing a room for quiet study; building an exercise room; p v. 1
Generally speaking, playing games is an essential part of our life. Nowadays the majority of people play games to eliminate stress and leave their troubles behind. However, some people play games only for the victory. As far as I concerned, playing games is an enjoyable activity. Thus, I disagree with the statement that it is fun only when you win. So, there are two core reasons to improve my decision. First of all, people must realize the main reason for playing a game. In the past, people gathered and played different kinds of games. It was a great support to communicate and find out more about each other. Moreover, playing games is beneficial for obtaining knowledge and experience. It does not matter who wins, it is necessary to make conclusions and to analyze one’s mistakes. To clarify, many years ago I was engaged in chess lessons. Thanks to it I acquired a lot of skills of communication, made new friends and started to think logically. And as a result, playing a game, in that case, has taught me that it is more important to get experience and friends than to win. Last but not least, playing a game is profitable for a person’s mental development. Besides it, physical development has its importance. It is a cheerful chance to strengthen bones, muscles and become more flexible. Additionally, it is good for a person’s health. As we know health is the most worthwhile thing in our life and we must do almost everything to improve it. For instance, my brother is a football player. Sometimes he says that paying attention to the victory is not valuable at all. A person must make benefits for himself and use it effectively. Therefore, according to my brother’s example, it became clear to me that apart from the victory playing a game is useful for the person. To sum up, playing a game is a pleasurable thing. People do it for many purposes, like to become a developed and healthy person. To me, participation is more fundamental than the victory itself. Taking into account these qualities, playing a game is not fun only when you win, it is crucial when you play it beneficially.
Generally
speaking,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is an essential part of our life. Nowadays the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
to eliminate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their troubles behind.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
victory
. As far as I concerned,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is an enjoyable activity.
Thus
, I disagree with the statement that it is fun
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
when you win.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, there are two core reasons to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
my decision.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
realize the main reason for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
a game. In the past,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
gathered and played
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. It was a great support to communicate and find out more about each other.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is beneficial for obtaining knowledge and experience. It does not matter who wins, it is necessary to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
conclusions and to analyze one’s mistakes. To clarify,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years ago I
was engaged
in chess lessons. Thanks to
Consider adding a comma here.
it
I acquired
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of communication, made new friends and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
logically
. And
as a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
a game,
in that case
, has taught me that it is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
experience and friends than to win.

Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
a game is profitable for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person’s
mental development.
Besides
it, physical development has its importance. It is a cheerful chance to strengthen bones, muscles and become more flexible.
Additionally
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person’s
health. As we know health is the most worthwhile thing in our
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
do almost everything to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
it.
For instance
, my brother is a football player.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
he says that paying attention to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
victory
is not valuable at all. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
benefits for himself and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it
effectively
.
Therefore
, according to my brother’s example, it became
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
to me that apart from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
victory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
a game is useful for the person.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
a game is a pleasurable thing.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
do it for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
purposes, like to become a developed and healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
. To me, participation is more fundamental than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
victory
itself. Taking into account these qualities,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
a game is not fun
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
when you win, it is crucial when you play it
beneficially
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay : the university will spend money on dormitory to improve the life quality of students, which of the following do you thin is the best way? providing a room for quiet study; building an exercise room; p v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
368 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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