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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: People often buy products not because they really need them, but because other people have them. v.1

: People often buy products not because they really need them, but because other people have them. v. 1
In the recent years, society represents the mentality of the people and mentality is automatically developed by the moral and ethical training of the next generation. One group of people believes that kids should be trained by their parents and others said, it is the responsibility of the school to train the upcoming generation to have a healthy nation. In my opinion, children are closer to their parents and they can easily teach them the social and ethical values that a community has. Certainly, the parents have the greatest influence on their children, because the children spent most of their time with them. For example, according to the research published by the Oxford University in 1992, attitudes of the parents with their children can make or destroy a society. A mentally disturbed child will handle the common life problems with negative thoughts. In the result, moral values will be decreased, but a child from a happy family will take even the worst things in a positive way and change the failure to success. On the other hand, schools also play a significant role to build the personality and to have a generation that has a positive attitude towards all the issues of a society. Schools provides a multi-cultural environment for their attendees, so everyone can learn different cultures from each to form a healthy world, but some time students fail to adjust with others, those have different cultural background or race, which creates an issue of racism. In the conclusion, training of kids plays a significant role to have a healthy nation. This responsibility is fulfilled by the parents and the schools. But according my point of view, parents are the most important part as compared to schools for the kids.
In the recent years, society represents the mentality of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and mentality is
automatically
developed by the moral and ethical training of the
next
generation. One group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believes that kids should
be trained
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
said, it is the responsibility of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
to train the upcoming generation to have a healthy nation. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are closer to their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
parents and
they can
easily
teach them the social and ethical values that a community has.

Certainly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have the greatest influence on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spent most of their time with them.
For example
, according to the research published by the Oxford University in 1992, attitudes of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroy
a society. A mentally disturbed child will handle the common life problems with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
thoughts. In the result, moral values will
be decreased
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a child from a happy family will take even the worst things in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
way and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the failure to success.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
also
play a significant role to build the personality and to have a generation that has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
attitude towards all the issues of a society.
Possible agreement error. You should probably use: "school provides".
Schools provides
a multi-cultural environment for their attendees,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
everyone can learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultures from each to form a healthy world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time students fail to adjust with others, those have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultural background or race, which creates an issue of racism.

In the conclusion, training of kids plays a significant role to have a healthy nation. This responsibility
is fulfilled
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
It appears that a preposition is missing after 'according'.
according my
point of view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part as compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
for the kids.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay : People often buy products not because they really need them, but because other people have them. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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