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Some findings have revealed that cities around the world are growing large. Could you outline the possible causes and predict consequences? v.1

Some findings have revealed that cities around the world are growing large. Could you outline the possible causes and predict consequences? v. 1
Due to advancement in the medical field, the lifespan of an individual has increased. Previously, many people would die even with minor health issues which is opposite to today's scenario. In this essay we will discuss benefits and drawbacks. Undoubtedly the most obvious advantage is that elderly people will be more experienced, and hence they may share their wisdom with society. During one's complete lifespan the amount of knowledge acquired at each stage of life is high. After reaching 60s, it is obvious that he becomes a master in any field of his choice. In addition, old age people deserve to spend a happy life without much responsibility, unlike before, when they were in younger stages. Having spent a long duration working hard at the office and making sacrifices at home to grow children, it is essential that they need to rest in their old age. A study, for instance, has found that 65% aged people relax and be less stressed in their latter stage of life. Turning to the disadvantages, when growing old people will suffer from aging problems, meaning that most of them will have health issues that attack the main organs of the body like the heart and brain, with suffering, it is impossible that someone can be peaceful. Moreover, many older people are treated as an unwanted part of a family, due to the busy lifestyle, everyone gets busy at work and they pay no attention to older ones when age old people require the most. These struggles are unavoidable, which will make them feel depressed. In China, for example, 80% adults leave their elderly parents in old age homes. This proves that the emotional and physical being of elderly people is not taken seriously. In conclusion, though older generation individuals are wiser, and deserve to be happy, after living a long, challenging life, they have to deal with health concerns and emotional struggles, since the society treats them as an unwanted responsibility.
Due to advancement in the medical field, the lifespan of an individual has increased. Previously,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
even with minor health issues which is opposite to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's scenario. In this essay we will discuss benefits and drawbacks.

Undoubtedly
the most obvious advantage is that elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will be more experienced, and
hence
they may share their wisdom with society. During one's complete lifespan the amount of knowledge acquired at each stage of life is high. After reaching 60s, it is obvious that he becomes a master in any field of his choice.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
deserve to spend a happy life without much responsibility, unlike
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, when they were in younger stages. Having spent a long duration working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
at the office and making sacrifices at home to grow children, it is essential that they need to rest in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
. A study,
for instance
, has found that 65% aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
relax and be less
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
in their latter stage of life.

Turning to the disadvantages, when growing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will suffer from aging problems, meaning that most of them will have health issues that attack the main organs of the body like the heart and brain, with suffering, it is impossible that someone can be peaceful.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are treated
as an unwanted part of a family, due to the busy lifestyle, everyone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
busy at
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
work and
they pay no attention to older ones when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
require the most. These struggles are unavoidable, which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them feel depressed. In China,
for example
, 80% adults
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their elderly parents in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
homes. This proves that the emotional and physical being of elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is not taken
seriously
.

In conclusion
, though older generation individuals are wiser, and deserve to be happy, after living a long, challenging life, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
deal with health concerns and emotional struggles, since the society treats them as an unwanted responsibility.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Some findings have revealed that cities around the world are growing large. Could you outline the possible causes and predict consequences? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
327 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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