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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement Getting advice from friends of an older age would be more valuable than from friends your own age v.1

Getting advice from friends of an older age would be more valuable than from friends your own age v. 1
In the technology driven world, there may be a chance that computer will become more intelligent as compared to mankind. It is often argued that this is a positive development, while others disagree and think that these kinds of development may affect negatively to human life. This essay agrees that an increase in computer technology is beneficial for the world. On the one hand, advancement of technology may help to live life easier for individuals. If computer will become more intelligent, they may be useful in different sectors such as medical and industrial. While these kinds of technology will be developed with predefine programmed, the computers can be worked more accurate and continuously regarding their fields. For example, most of German automobile companies use some robots in their production, therefore the production is doubled as compared to past decade. Thus, improvement in technology may give benefits for the industries and society. However, some people believe that intelligent computers are problematic for the society. If the machine is working in the industries, companies will not hire humanities for their same work. While people have not enough amount of jobs, it will automatically increase the amount of unemployed people, therefore which may be a chance to increase the crime rate. For example, one survey proved that 30 percent people will lose their jobs in 2025 due to robots that also increase the crime rate exponentially. To conclude, although it is fact that intelligent computers have some negative effect, I personally think it is advantageous, which give several industrial and social advantages to the society.
In the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
driven world, there may be a chance that computer will become more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intelligent
as compared to mankind. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development, while others disagree and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that these kinds of development may affect
negatively
to human life. This essay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
that an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is beneficial for the world.

On the one hand, advancement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
life easier for individuals. If computer
Consider removing 'will'. (Usually, 'will' does not occur in a conditional clause, unless in the sense 'want to' or 'be willing to'.)
will become
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intelligent
, they may be useful in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sectors such as medical and industrial. While these kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
will
be developed
with predefine programmed, the computers can
be worked
more accurate and
continuously
regarding their fields.
For example
, most of German automobile
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
robots in their production,
therefore
the production
is doubled
as compared to past decade.
Thus
, improvement in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
may give benefits for the industries and society.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intelligent
computers are problematic for the society. If the machine is working in the industries,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
will not hire humanities for their same work. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "amounted".
amount
of jobs, it will
automatically
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
the amount of unemployed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
therefore
which may be a chance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
the crime rate.
For example
, one survey proved that 30 percent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will lose their jobs in 2025 due to robots that
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
the crime rate
exponentially
.

To conclude
, although it is fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
intelligent
computers have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is advantageous, which give several industrial and social advantages to the society.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Getting advice from friends of an older age would be more valuable than from friends your own age v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
262 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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