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Agree or disagree? Getting advice from friends who are older than you is most valuable than getting advice from friends your same age. v.1

Agree or disagree? Getting advice from friends who are older than you is most valuable than getting advice from friends your same age. v. 1
We have seen many medical specialists advising their patients to adopt precautionary measures to avoid illness. These measures safeguard the humans from harmful diseases. Most of the times, these diseases are spread due to human negligence. Instead of investing in diagnosing the treatments, it is better to create awareness among the community to take care of cleanliness. Moreover, the government should legislate the policy in terms of adapting safety standards at all levels. I completely agree with the statement that intensive care is very important instead of treatment. First of all, the viruses are spread mostly due to human negligence. We do not concern about our surroundings and keep them polluted. Common illnesses are caused by not taking care of our environment. Health practitioners advise their patients to adopt healthy practices. For example, a major reason for the wide spread of Malaria is due to poor sanitation system in our country. Every year, millions of rupees are spent in curing this virus, but no measures are taken to improve the sanitation system. Secondly, awareness among the community is also very important. Public service messages play a vital role in this regard. Recently, we have seen the news regarding Corona virus infecting many countries. The cure for the disease is still not confirmed, but the media is promoting hygiene practices in order to avoid the virus. Moreover, the government should implement hygiene knowledge at all levels. Proper sessions should be conducted to give awareness to the community. In additions to this, the government should impose fine to those who do not follow the practices. To conclude, I believe that instead of investing and researching for the cure of illness; it is better to follow health and hygiene at all levels. The resources utilized in research should be used in awareness programs. Resultantly, we will be able to give healthy living environment to children.
We have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
medical specialists advising their patients to adopt precautionary measures to avoid illness. These measures safeguard the humans from harmful diseases.
Consider using "most of the time" if you mean "usually" or "very often".
Most of the times
, these diseases
are spread
due to human negligence.
Instead
of investing in diagnosing the treatments, it is better to create
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
awareness
among the community to take care of cleanliness.
Moreover
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should legislate the policy in terms of adapting safety standards at all levels. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement that intensive care is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
instead
of treatment.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the viruses
are spread
mostly
due to human negligence. We do not concern about our surroundings and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them polluted. Common illnesses
are caused
by not taking care of our environment. Health practitioners advise their patients to adopt healthy practices.
For example
, a major reason for the wide spread of Malaria is due to poor sanitation system in our country. Every year, millions of rupees
are spent
in curing this virus,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
no measures
are taken
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the sanitation system.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
awareness
among the community is
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. Public service messages play a vital role in this regard. Recently, we have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
the news regarding
The term "Coronavirus" (= disease) is spelled as one word.
Corona virus
infecting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries. The cure for the disease is
still
not confirmed,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the media is promoting hygiene practices in order to avoid the virus.
Moreover
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should implement hygiene knowledge at all levels. Proper sessions should
be conducted
to give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
awareness
to the community. In additions to this, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should impose fine to those who do not follow the practices.

To conclude
, I believe that
instead
of investing and researching for the cure of illness; it is better to follow health and hygiene at all levels. The resources utilized in research should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
awareness
programs.
Resultantly
, we will be able to give healthy living environment to children.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Agree or disagree? Getting advice from friends who are older than you is most valuable than getting advice from friends your same age. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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