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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In addition to their homework, children need to participate in the activities which are related to sports and school activities; however, they should have free time for whatever they want to do. v.859

In addition to their homework, children need to participate in the activities which are related to sports and school activities; however, they should have free time for whatever they want to do. v. 859
In our modern scientific world, education is a crucial juncture of people’s life. Human beings have had constant concern about learning ways to improve their life since the dawn of humanity. There is a famous proverb which states “Pen is mightier than the sword. ” With this in mind people and ruling class have employed several approach to improve their educational system. Nowadays, experts have been involved about whether or not the current educational system is efficient. In this regard, some of them claim that students should be given enough time to do whatever they want. While, others believe otherwise. The idea to which I subscribe is that students should have extra time to pursue their hobbies along with their school assignment and other activities related to their schools. My opinion is based on quite a few reasons, three conspicuous ones of which have been elaborated in the following paragraphs. To begin with, students learn much information if they have more time. Thank to development of science and technology, a great number of information sources have been emerged namely television, the Internet, and social networks, to name but a few which can pave the way for learning thoroughly. For example, my sister, who is high school student, tend to spend several hours searching and studying new findings about her favorite course—mathematics. By doing so, she is highly well-educated. However, if students use all of their time fulfilling their school assignments, no time will remain for them to obtain more information. With this in mind students should be given more free time, for they tend to do not take their leisure time for granted. Additionally, students, like other adults, need to enjoy entertainment, and if they do not have adequate time, they will be deprived of having time and information. Indeed, they can be able to spend their free time to go parks, play video games, and watch cartoons, to name but three, which leads to healthier life both mentally and physically, thereby learning in an appropriate manner. In contrast, students who do not have enough entertainment usually suffer from mental disease, which exert a negative influence on their learning process. Statistics also demonstrate that students enjoying entertainment tend to have a better educational and academic performance. Eventually, by giving students extra time, they can have better feelings and emotions. In fact, they can spend more time with their parents and relatives, which have many advantages, that is, become hopefulness, and release their stress, tension and so on. There is Turkish proverb that states “It is the hopefulness that gives a man to attempt to follow their dreams, ” which is indicative of the importance having proper emotions for reaching success, and students can obtain this feelings if they have healthful life that results from having enough time. To sum up, I have penchant for the idea that students must have sufficient time for other activities rather than school assignments on the grounds that it may lead to being informative and knowledgeable, having fun, and being able to spend more time with their parents Therefore, it is highly recommended that policy makers give more time to student, which results in more efficient educational system.
In our modern scientific world, education is a crucial juncture of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. Human beings have had constant concern about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
since the dawn of humanity. There is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
proverb which states “Pen is mightier than the sword. ” With this in mind
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and ruling
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
have employed
Possible agreement error. The noun approach seems to be countable; consider using: "several approaches".
several approach
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
system. Nowadays, experts have
been involved
about
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
system is efficient. In this regard,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to do whatever they want. While, others believe
otherwise
. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to which I subscribe is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should have extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to pursue their hobbies along with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
assignment and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
activities related to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. My opinion
is based
on quite a few reasons, three conspicuous ones of which have
been elaborated
in the following paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
learn much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
if they have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. Thank to development of science and technology, a great number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
sources have
been emerged
namely
television, the Internet, and social networks, to name
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a few which can pave the way for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
thoroughly
.
For example
, my sister, who is high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
, tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
several hours searching and studying new findings about her favorite course—mathematics. By doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, she is
highly
well-educated.
However
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
all of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
fulfilling their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
assignments, no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
will remain for them to obtain more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
. With this in mind
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, for they tend to do not take their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for granted.

Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
adults, need to enjoy entertainment, and if they do not have adequate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, they will
be deprived
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
.
Indeed
, they can be able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to go parks,
Consider using third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "plays".
play
video games, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
cartoons, to name
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
three, which leads to healthier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
both mentally and
physically
, thereby
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
Consider replacing "in an appropriate manner" with the adverb for "appropriate"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an appropriate manner
.
In contrast
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
entertainment
usually
suffer from mental disease, which exert a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learning
process. Statistics
also
demonstrate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
enjoying entertainment tend to have a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
and academic performance.

Eventually
, by giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, they can have better feelings and emotions. In fact, they can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their parents and relatives, which have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages,
that is
, become hopefulness, and release their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, tension and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. There is Turkish proverb that states “It is the hopefulness that gives a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
to attempt to follow their dreams,
Don't put a space on both sides of a quote symbol
”
which is indicative of the importance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
proper emotions for reaching success, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can obtain
Did you mean "these"?
this
feelings if they have healthful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
that results from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time.

To sum up, I have penchant for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have sufficient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
activities
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
assignments on the grounds that it may lead to being informative and knowledgeable,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
having
fun, and being able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their parents
Therefore
, it is
highly
recommended that
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
policy makers
give more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
, which results in more efficient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
system.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
60Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay In addition to their homework, children need to participate in the activities which are related to sports and school activities; however, they should have free time for whatever they want to do. v. 859

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
533 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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