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Do you agree or disagree: These days children spend more time on doing homework or participating in school-related activities or sports. However, they should be given more time to do whatever they want. v.1

: These days children spend more time on doing homework or participating in school-related activities or sports. However, they should be given more time to do whatever they want. v. 1
Extracurricular activities are the kind of experience that could have a formative impact on children. Some educators argue that young kids should be given permission to decide how to spend their spare time after school. I think it is a smart move. To begin with, after-school activities are supposed to be fun and it would not make any sense unless children are to decide on their own. When schoolwork has already put too much strain on children, they would easily burn out if they are deprived of the right to do what they want. Some may argue that school-related activities and sports events can also serve as a good way to release stress, but let us face it, it is next to impossible to cater to all needs. Everyone has their own passion to pursue. When I was a kid, I was a huge fan of classical music, but instead of taking me to concerts, my folks gave me a soccer and sent me to tryouts. It was totally a nightmare. I could not sleep at night at all, feeling so tense and stressed up. Even up to now it still gives me creeps when I am reminded of this experience. Only when children spend their spare time on what truly appeals to them can they take a break and recover from the stress of study. Besides, it opens up doors to limitless possibilities for children who have a hard time coping with school. I know a kid who did not do well in school, neither did he show any interest in sports. But he was so fascinated by Chinese herb that he could spend hours watching documentaries about traditional Chinese medicine or looking up original references in the library with relish. His parents never forced him to study for the sake of school, but rather showed great support to him and even signed him up for an online Chinese medicine course. When he applied for college, he handed in a personal statement that stood out instantly. Later on, he was admitted to NYU with a full scholarship because not only he shows great promise in medicine, but his one-of-a-kind hobby speaks of novelty and courage. If his parents failed to be so open-minded, he would end up with a poor grade and a low self-esteem. In a word, apart from schoolwork and sports, children should be encouraged to follow their heart and explore their own interests when they are free.
Extracurricular activities are the kind of experience that could have a formative impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
educators argue that young kids should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
permission to decide how to spend their spare time after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is a smart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, after-school activities
are supposed
to be fun and it would not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
any sense unless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are to decide on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
. When schoolwork has already put too much strain on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, they would
easily
burn out if they
are deprived
of the right to do what they want.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
may
Possible agreement error - use third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "argues".
argue
that school-related activities and sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
can
also
serve as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way to release
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
us face it, it is
next
to impossible to cater to all needs. Everyone has their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
passion to pursue. When I was a kid, I was a huge fan of classical music,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
instead
of taking me to concerts, my folks gave me a soccer and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
me to tryouts. It was
totally
a nightmare. I could not sleep at night at all, feeling
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
tense and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
up. Even up to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
it
still
gives me creeps when I
am reminded
of this experience.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend their spare time on what
truly
appeals to them can they take a break and recover from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
of study.

Besides
, it opens up doors to limitless possibilities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
time coping with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. I know a kid who did not do well in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, neither did he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
any interest in sports.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
he was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
fascinated by Chinese herb that he could spend hours watching documentaries about traditional Chinese medicine or looking up original references in the library with relish. His parents never forced him to study for the sake of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
rather
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
great support to him and even signed him up for an online Chinese medicine course. When he applied for college, he handed in a personal statement that stood out
instantly
. Later on, he
was admitted
to NYU with a full scholarship
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
great promise in medicine,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
his one-of-a-kind hobby speaks of novelty and courage. If his parents failed to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
open-minded, he would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up with a poor grade and a low self-esteem.

In a word, apart from schoolwork and sports,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be encouraged
to follow their heart and explore their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
interests when they are free.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay : These days children spend more time on doing homework or participating in school-related activities or sports. However, they should be given more time to do whatever they want. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
411 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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