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These days children spend more time on doing homework or participating in school-related activities or sports. However, they should be given more time to do whatever they want. v.1

These days children spend more time on doing homework or participating in school-related activities or sports. However, they should be given more time to do whatever they want. v. 1
Although economic development will make people positions and their assets more attractive. I totally disagree with the thought that someone is more valued than before if he got more money, but without good attitude. Firstly, social status and material possessions do not bring happily ever after. Those things are just what you wear when you are still alive in this world. People with high social status and material possessions, for example, UK Royals, do not always feel easier when there are a lot of critics towards them. Human beings, therefore, make us different from other animals in this universe. Secondly, luckily, more and more billionaires who have all the good things try to devote a part of their own capital for good things, such as Bill Gates of Microsoft or Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook. Those actions let them feel happier and bring them more claps than ever. Thirdly, old-fashion values like honour, kindness and trust are the most valuable things people can take in their lives. The inside things need time to acquire and perfect in many years, not like to buy a house or a title in several months. The pride of our own values cannot buy anywhere with any price. To assume, I must say, 'Better the raw material of the wood inside than the beauty of its surface'. The sun always shines from eastern. That's why people instinct will have more important than his covers. Choose to be rich is not easy, but choose to be kind, truthful and unashamed is attainable.
Although economic development will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
positions
and their assets more attractive. I
totally
disagree with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that someone is more valued than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
if he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
more money,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
without
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
attitude.

Firstly
, social status and material possessions do not bring
happily
ever after. Those things are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
what you wear when you are
still
alive in this world. 
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
with high social status and material possessions,
for example
, UK Royals, do not always feel easier when there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
critics towards them. Human beings,
therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from other animals in this universe.

Secondly
, luckily, more and more billionaires who have all the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
things try to devote a part of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
capital for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
things, such as Bill Gates of Microsoft or Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook. Those actions
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
them feel happier and bring them more claps than ever.

Thirdly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
-fashion values like
Possible spelling mistake. 'honour' is British English.
honour
, kindness and trust are the most valuable things
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can take in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. The inside things need time to acquire and perfect in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years, not like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
or a title in several months. The pride of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
values cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
anywhere with any price.

To assume, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
say, 'Better the raw material of the wood inside than the beauty of its surface'. The sun always shines from eastern. That's why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
instinct will have more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than his covers. Choose to be rich is not easy,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
choose to be kind, truthful and unashamed is attainable.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay These days children spend more time on doing homework or participating in school-related activities or sports. However, they should be given more time to do whatever they want. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
255 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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